Four Horsemen of Apocalypse Delayed by Maze of One-Way Downtown Streets
KOMO is now reporting that the complete and utter destruction of Emerald City has been delayed indefinitely as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have struggled to navigate a labyrinth of one-way downtown streets...
Durkan: Why Next Year’s Rainbow-Colored Tear Gas Extravaganza Will Be My Last
By Mayor Jenny Durkan
After a difficult year of handling some of the worst crises the city of Seattle has had to face in modern history, today I am announcing that next year I will...
Entirety of Pre-Amazon Seattle Donated to MOHAI
After recent news that Seattle’s pink neon Elephant Car Wash sign would be taken down and donated to the Museum of History and Industry (MOHAI), city officials announced today that the entire collection of...
Office of Police Accountability Finds Officer Not Guilty, Just Typical Scorpio
Seattle’s Office of Police Accountability ruled today that an officer who had been recently filmed kneeling on several protesters necks was guilty of no wrongdoing and was merely being a typical Scorpio.
“Oh you know...
Woke Man Rushes to Make Amazon Purchases Ahead of Black Friday Boycott
Reportedly fed up with the capitalist greed plaguing America every holiday season, one woke Capitol Hill man spent the day preparing for his boycott of Black Friday by rushing to make his Amazon purchases...
‘No, But We’re Really Strict with Our Pod,’ Says Woman in Six Pods
Having her pod of seven friends and their children over for Thanksgiving during the deadliest phase of the pandemic to date won’t be anything for themselves and the general public to worry about, confirmed...
Man Still Phone Banking For Love of the Game
As most Biden-Harris voters settled down Sunday after a full Saturday of partying, local Democrat Timothy Finnegan is still phone banking for what he describes as “the love of the game.”
“The presidential election is...
Hipsters Return Tattered and Covered in Soot After Attempt to Gentrify Everett
A brigade of dazed and despondent white hipsters stumbled back into Seattle tonight after a reportedly harrowing failed attempt at gentrifying the northern Seattle metro area suburb of Everett.
“The Funko pops – have they...
Seattle Residents Quietly Inquiring How Much Actual ‘Liberal Bubble’ Would Cost
With pre-election anxiety at an all-time high, Seattle’s residents have reportedly started to inquire what it might cost to dome this fucker up and let the rest of the country fend for themselves.
“Do you...
Man Relieved Axe Wielding Maniac Looming in Doorway is Wearing Mask
While public mask debates continue across the nation, a local man was reportedly quite impressed with the courtesy shown to him by the axe-wielding maniac that appeared in his doorway who thoughtfully wore a...
