25-Year-Old Horrified to Discover He 40 in Pandemic Years
As the coronavirus pandemic has forced the nation into sedentary lifestyles and rustic hobbies, one 25-year-old was horrified to learn today that he’s aged nearly two decades during quarantine.
“I just had my physical and...
Seattle Police Union to Investigate Officers Who Didn’t Attend January 6th DC Riots
To ensure the utmost professionalism in its ranks, Seattle Police Officers Guild President Mike Solan announced today that the union would be opening up an extensive investigation into all officers who didn’t ransack the...
Local Seattleite Still Peeking Between Blinds at Suspiciously Sunny Day
Following weeks of freakishly cold weather and record rainfall, one local man has spent all day leering through his cracked blinds at the suspiciously sunny day, trying to determine what trick Mother Nature has...
2021 Off to Terrifying Start as Extraterrestrial Jellyfish Claim Space Needle
Hopes that 2021 would be more calm and safe than 2020 were immediately dashed at midnight when an army of extraterrestrial jellyfish claimed Seattle’s landmark crown jewel, the Space Needle, as their own.
“Right as...
Spoiled Brat Riding Out Rest of 2020 in Womb
While the entire world collectively suffered the wrath of 2020, one spoiled unborn brat is reportedly on track for sparing himself the misery of the worst year in memory by deciding not to arrive...
PNW Thanks Hawaii for Handling ‘Volcano Eruption’ on 2020 Bingo Cards
Residents across the Pacific Northwest expressed relief today that Hawaii stepped up overnight to handle the inevitable 2020 Bingo call-out for the “volcano eruption” square.
“After just about every other natural disaster known to man...
Tacoma PD Claims Officer ‘Feared for New Paint Job’ Before Plowing Car Into Crowd
Although videos of a Tacoma police officer ramming his cruiser through a crowd over the weekend look and sound disturbing, local police union president Chris Tracy wants everyone to understand how much the officer...
CEO Assures MLK Would Have Wanted You to Work Today
In and inspiring e-mail to staff who mandatorily worked on Martin Luther King Jr. Day, CEO of local tech firm HustleCorps assured his employees that MLK would have wanted you at work today.
“I just...
Sick Bastards Put Tree in Living Room Just to Watch Something Slowly Die
A local neighborhood is in shock today after reports that, a mere two days into December, a group of truly sick bastards have already severed a tree from its earthly tether and strung it...
SPD Officers at DC Capitol Riot Placed on Paid Administrative Leave to Riot White House
Interim Seattle Police Chief Adrian Diaz has swiftly reprimanded several Seattle police officers who attended the Capitol riots in Washington, D.C. last week with paid administrative leave to riot the White House next week.
“We...
