Man Who Moved to Seattle 12 Minutes Ago Upset Everyone Moving to Seattle
Longtime Ballard resident of 12 minutes and 37 seconds Jeff Coleman announced today he’s getting quickly frustrated and concerned about the absurd number of...
‘Everything Is Back To Normal,’ Says Inslee for Some Reason
Following what appeared to be a bright light quickly dissipating from the ether, Governor Jay Inslee stated a simple televised address to the entire...
Pioneer Square Man Ranting About Decline of Humanity Actually Just Dori Monson
Several local citizens today discovered a disheveled Pioneer Square man ranting about Seattle’s demise via cannibalistic homeless gangs and The Seahawks to be none...
Amazon Launches Audit of U.S. Government After Owing $9 in Taxes
The United States government is currently undergoing a gigantic audit by Amazon, its corporate overlord, after the tech giant discovered today that the nation...
Lone Black Employee Given Honor of Creating, Running Diversity Committee
In an unprecedented and grand gesture to celebrate their commitment to diversity, local law firm Piper, Hitler, & Jenkins paid homage to accountant Jeni...
Amazon Prime Day Leak Reveals List of Local Politicians You Can Buy
An Amazon.com Prime Day website glitch today accidentally revealed a list of deals on local Seattle politicians who can apparently be bought at a...
Loud Car Crash Unites Neighborhood More Than Pandemic Ever Could
A quiet street in Green Lake experienced an unprecedented moment of unity today after a loud car crash sent residents pouring out of their...
Washington State Officially Renames ‘Slow’ Lane to ‘Passing Your Slow AF Ass’ Lane
After years of failing to convince thousands of Washington State drivers that freeway left lanes are for passing, not blocking and babysitting everyone who...
Man Can’t Believe Buy Nothing Group Not Pouncing on Half-Eaten Box of Waffles
A Ballard man has been left in disbelief today after not even a single member of his local Buy Nothing group showed interest in...
Seagulls, Pigeons Cheer Return of Tourist Trash to Seattle After Dismal Summer of 2020
After a tough summer last year, seagulls and pigeons say plentiful sights of tourists’ irresponsibly discarded gum packages, Piroshky Piroshky wrappers and Starbucks cakepop...
