CDC Announces Masks Optional, Glaring At Maskless Passerby Still Required
Under pressure to clarify its COVID-19 guidelines, the Centers for Disease Control this week announced an update to its recommended precautions: Masks are now optional, but glaring at all maskless passersby will still be...
PCC Co-op Disturbed by Requests to Be Actual Co-op
Upper management of local grocery co-op chain PCC say they’re reportedly being flooded with countless deranged and maniacal requests for the store to be an actual co-op.
“We’ve literally called the cops on these absolute...
Recovering COVID Patient Relieved to Smell Dog’s Putrid Farts Again
After several weeks of not being sure when or if her sense of smell would ever return, local recovering COVID patient Toni Duncan said today she was overcome with gratitude to once again smell...
‘Justice for George Floyd!’ Announce Local Politicians Praying You Forgot John, Charleena, and Manuel
In remembrance of George Floyd on the day of his murderer's conviction, local politicians all around the Seattle area announced at 7 p.m. they would be praying you forgot all about who murdered John...
Vaccinated Man Shatters Windows with Sneeze He’s Been Holding in Since March 2020
A fully vaccinated Magnolia man is looking at a hefty repair bill today after releasing a sneeze that he’d been thoughtfully holding in since the beginning of the pandemic, shattering every window in a...
‘I Didn’t Even Riot That Much’ Says Outed SPD Officer
After being identified as one of the six Seattle Police Department officers that attended the January 6th Capitol Riot, Sgt. Wyatt Williams was quick to deny his full involvement, telling press that he “like,...
COVID Takes Away Taste, Smell and 10 Months of Cell Phone Memory, Insists Mayor
Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan revealed for the first time that a year ago today she had quietly dealt with contracting COVID-19 and experienced symptoms including loss of taste, smell and 10 months of cell...
Environmental Disaster Declared After Contents of Hot Tub Boat Leaks into Lake Union
An environmental disaster was declared today after a hot tub boat ran aground in Lake Union, spilling gallons of an unnatural mixture of toxic fluids that had pooled within its heated cedar walls.
“We’re monitoring...
New Amazon Employee Nervous for First Day of Self-loathing
After securing an incredible salary and bonus up-front, local software engineer Brock Morehouse said he admits he’s incredibly nervous about his first day of self-loathing at his new employer, Amazon.
“There’s so many reasons to...
Mayor Durkan Promises to Resign Soon, Just Has a Few More Pieces of Evidence to Destroy First
After months of people calling for her resignation, Mayor Jenny Durkan announced today she would finally do so as soon as she destroys a few more pieces of evidence.
“I know you guys wanted me...
