Loud Car Crash Unites Neighborhood More Than Pandemic Ever Could
A quiet street in Green Lake experienced an unprecedented moment of unity today after a loud car crash sent residents pouring out of their homes to survey the scene, providing a collective bonding experience...
Washington State Officially Renames ‘Slow’ Lane to ‘Passing Your Slow AF Ass’ Lane
After years of failing to convince thousands of Washington State drivers that freeway left lanes are for passing, not blocking and babysitting everyone who wants to drive faster than 55 MPH, State Patrol says...
Man Can’t Believe Buy Nothing Group Not Pouncing on Half-Eaten Box of Waffles
A Ballard man has been left in disbelief today after not even a single member of his local Buy Nothing group showed interest in his generous offer of a half-eaten box of waffles.
“I just...
Seagulls, Pigeons Cheer Return of Tourist Trash to Seattle After Dismal Summer of 2020
After a tough summer last year, seagulls and pigeons say plentiful sights of tourists’ irresponsibly discarded gum packages, Piroshky Piroshky wrappers and Starbucks cakepop sticks strewn across the ground again are signs that the...
Dow Constantine Campaign Scrambling to Remember What County Executive Is and Does
Following news that Washington State Sen. Joe Nguyen would be his first serious challenger for his elected office in years, sources confirm Dow Constantine’s campaign is scrambling to remember what a King County Executive...
Gov. Inslee Opens Vaccine Eligibility to All Remaining Unvaccinated Motherfuckers Who Aren’t Motherfucking Vaccinated Yet
After opening to all other categories, today Governor Jay Inslee officially opened up Phase 9z vaccine eligibility for all unvaccinated motherfuckers who aren’t motherfucking vaccinated yet.
“Starting today, Washington state is opening vaccine appointments...
Nice! Nature Treats Entire City to Free Sauna
After an incredibly stressful last year, the entire Seattle area was treated to a free, daylong sauna today by Mother Nature. Sweet!
“You all looked like you just needed to sweat out some toxins, and...
The Needling Wins Pulitzer Prize for Realest Real Fake News Reporting
Today the Pulitzer Prize, the most prestigious honor in U.S. journalism, was awarded to The Needling for Realest Real Fake Local News Reporting.
“For its in-depth reporting of the local Raccoon Elders Council’s efforts to...
Bill Gates Confirms the Divorce is 100% Clippy’s Fault
With rumors swirling since the most high-profile billionaire couple in the world announced their split Monday, Bill Gates confirmed today that the implosion of his 27-year marriage was 100 percent Microsoft Clippy’s fault.
“Oh,...
Bezos Says This Year’s Prime Day Is Only the Stuff MacKenzie Left at the House
In a change of pace from typical Prime Day sales on high-in-demand devices and products, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos says this year Prime customers will be getting deals exclusively on the stuff MacKenzie left...