Andrew Yang Seen Licking Gum Wall Before Announcing Seattle Mayoral Campaign
Following his concession from New York City’s mayoral race, Andrew Yang was spotted this afternoon licking the famed Gum Wall in a desperate attempt to ingratiate himself to the Emerald City ahead of his...
Seattle Resentful Pete Holmes Corrupt Enough They Forced to Learn What City Attorney Does
Tensions are high today say thousands of Seattle voters furious that Pete Holmes is corrupt enough they’ve now been forced to learn what a city attorney even does.
“Personally, I find it unconscionable and inexcusable...
Councilmember Mosqueda Recounts Harrowing Escape from Seattle Times Endorsement
Family and friends of Seattle City Councilmember Teresa Mosqueda are still counting their blessings tonight after the dedicated labor rights leader narrowly escaped a disastrous Seattle Times Editorial Board endorsement this week.
“As an incumbent...
Next Season of Survivor to Star Local Bridges Vying for Infrastructure Funds
Reality show classic Survivor announced today in a gripping teaser that its next season will feature decrepit Seattle bridges vying for infrastructure funds.
“That grand prize of full replacement is all mine,” said Magnolia Bridge,...
Man Who Moved to Seattle 12 Minutes Ago Upset Everyone Moving to Seattle
Longtime Ballard resident of 12 minutes and 37 seconds Jeff Coleman announced today he’s getting quickly frustrated and concerned about the absurd number of people also moving to and destroying Seattle.
“How is this city...
‘Everything Is Back To Normal,’ Says Inslee for Some Reason
Following what appeared to be a bright light quickly dissipating from the ether, Governor Jay Inslee stated a simple televised address to the entire state of Washington today that “everything is back to normal”...
Pioneer Square Man Ranting About Decline of Humanity Actually Just Dori Monson
Several local citizens today discovered a disheveled Pioneer Square man ranting about Seattle’s demise via cannibalistic homeless gangs and The Seahawks to be none other than local right-wing KIRO radio host Dori Monson.
“Seattle has...
Amazon Launches Audit of U.S. Government After Owing $9 in Taxes
The United States government is currently undergoing a gigantic audit by Amazon, its corporate overlord, after the tech giant discovered today that the nation is attempting to tax them an entire $9.
“Everyone, especially the...
Lone Black Employee Given Honor of Creating, Running Diversity Committee
In an unprecedented and grand gesture to celebrate their commitment to diversity, local law firm Piper, Hitler, & Jenkins paid homage to accountant Jeni Larson, their sole black employee, by bestowing her the privilege...
Amazon Prime Day Leak Reveals List of Local Politicians You Can Buy
An Amazon.com Prime Day website glitch today accidentally revealed a list of deals on local Seattle politicians who can apparently be bought at a discount this year.
“We deeply apologize for the confusion – Prime...
