Harrell Announces He’s Officially Received Enough Donations from Bellevue to Run for Mayor There Instead
After months of campaigning to be the next mayor of Seattle, Bruce Harrell announced today that he’s now officially received so many campaign contributions from Bellevue that he might as well run for mayor...
Missing White Woman at Target This Whole Time
After a strenuous, weeklong search that required all of local law enforcement’s resources plus volunteer teams, the Seattle Police Department says missing white woman Madison Roberts was safely located today in a canyon of...
Archaeologists Find Leif Erikson Also First Explorer to Discover Parking on Market Street on a Sunday
Just in time for Leif Erikson Day weekend, new archaeological evidence has been discovered to suggest that, in addition to being the first European to set foot on the North American continent over a...
Bruce Harrell Police Reform Plan Promises Pizza Parties for Every Week SPD Doesn’t Kill Someone
After facing criticism from social justice advocates, today Seattle mayoral candidate Bruce Harrell unveiled a police reform proposal that promises full funding of office pizza parties for every time the Seattle Police Department goes...
Seattle-area Tooth Fairy Now Only Offering Bitcoin
In an effort to decentralize her financial operations, one Seattle-area tooth fairy says she is now only doling out fractions of cryptocurrency under the pillows of toothless children.“The dental blockchain is here,” the tooth...
Curbside Couches in Central District Now Going for $100K Above Asking Price
After reviewing recent trends in the Central District’s curbside couch market, financial analysts are reportedly now advising prospective couch buyers to pay as much as $100K above the asking price for abandoned sofas.
“Long gone...
‘No-Dogs-On-Beach Signs Don’t Apply to You,’ Alki Beachgoer Reassures Dog
After intuitively sensing tension from others about his presence at Alki Beach, today a three-year-old golden retriever was assured by his owner the “No Dogs On Beach” signs surely didn’t apply to him.
“Oh no,...
Local Nonprofit Quietly Hoping Steve Ballmer’s Marriage Crumbles Before Next Fiscal Year
After a bleak fundraising year stifled by the COVID-19 pandemic, one local nonprofit says their only hope to make it through the next fiscal year is a public, humiliating divorce of Seattle’s third favorite...
Local Asshole Uses Merging Lane How It Was Designed to Be Used
The heads of several drivers stalled in Seattle traffic exploded today after witnessing an asshole drive down to the end of an empty merging lane before zippering into traffic exactly the way traffic engineers...
Manager Horrified to Discover Intern Left in Office During Pandemic Now Feral
A sales manager at a South Lake Union office was left horrified today after discovering his intern had gone feral after he was accidentally left in the office for 16 months during the COVID-19...
