Archaeological Dig Reveals Roadwork on 520 Underway Since Early Seventeenth Century
Today a local archeological dig revealed that roadwork on 520 dates back to at least the early 17th century.
“Excavation of the upper layers turned up unusual items: Bill Gates’ Lakeside class ring, a Frederick...
The Needling Buys KOMO
This morning The Needling acquired local conservative TV news station KOMO to officially become Seattle’s leader in both real fake news and fake real news.
“It’s true: With the generous $10 backing of Needling follower...
City Council Approves Impenetrable Dome Over Downtown for New ‘NOPE Zone’
Following the approval of SODA (Stay Out of Drug Area) and SOAP (Stay Out of Area Prostitution) zones, this week the Seattle City Council decided to also approve a giant impenetrable dome over Downtown...
Gov. Inslee to Seize Absolute Power with Covid Protocols Any Day Now
With less than three months until the end of his third and final term as governor, sources confirm Jay Inslee is finally expected to seize absolute control of the state of Washington using the...
Washington Elects Nation’s First Fergalicious Governor
History was made tonight when Washington state elected the nation’s first-ever Fergalicious governor, Bob Ferguson.
“Our campaign and my upper back humps took our lovely little lumps, but tonight we can say we’ve finally broken...
“These People Drive Like Idiots,” Say 12,000 I-5 Drivers in Unison
In a display of universal synchronicity during today’s rush hour, a record 12,287 I-5 drivers collectively complained “you all drive like complete goddamn jagoffs” at the exact same time.
“First time driving, huh?” chuckled 12,287...
Seattle Public Utilities Fines Oscar the Grouch for Not Living in Compost Bin
Controversy erupted today at the news that resident trash-muppet Oscar the Grouch was fined by Seattle Public Utilities for living in a trash can instead of the compost bin."Mr. Grouch ignored all of our...
Waterfront Seattle to Open New Bike Lane As Soon as They Finish Sharpening Low Steel Fencing
After years of wondering whether the city’s Waterfront Seattle planners were ever going to prioritize any mode of transportation other than cars, today they confirmed they’re finally almost ready to open a new bike...
Landlord Raises Pet Rent After Discovery of Wasp Nest
Today a landlord raised a local renter’s pet rent after discovering he had not disclosed keeping an adorable nest of pet wasps on the property.
“Thought you were being slick hiding them here in the...
Heartwarming: City Officials Spell Out ‘One Seattle’ in Belongings Confiscated from the Homeless
Seattle residents were treated to a heartwarming gesture of civic unity today after city officials spelled the Mayor Bruce Harrell’s slogan "One Seattle" out of the seized belongings from homeless encampments police swept with...
