Mercer Island’s Second Cougar Sighting This Week Alarms Residents
The second sighting this week of a cougar prowling this usually safe, residential enclave has Mercer Island families clutching their children and dolla, dolla bills a little tighter tonight.
A surprising first sighting took place...
Ballard Resident Almost Gets Through Filling Out Local Primary Ballot without Using Vomit Bucket
Today one Ballard resident almost became the Evel Knievel of local primary voting when he almost got through filling out his entire ballot without vomiting.
“I thought I had mentally and physically prepared myself enough...
Seattle Homeless Disguise Themselves as Trees in Effort to Get Protection from City
As a result of Seattle's recently passed ordinance to protect most trees within city limits, unsheltered residents living in Seattle have taken to disguising themselves as red cedar, oak, white pine, cherry, and other...
Bellevue Hits 100% Unemployment Rate as Microsoft Lays Off 5% of Workers
In an unprecedented economic catastrophe for the Eastside, this week Bellevue reached a staggering 100 percent unemployment rate after Microsoft announced layoffs of 5 percent of its workforce.
“Literal tumbleweeds are already blowing through The...
Volunteer Park Squirrels No Longer Content Taking Candy from Babies, Begin Carjackings
This weekend Capitol Hill residents were shocked to discover that the Volunteer Park squirrels—long known for their utter lack of fear and ravenous taste for children’s snacks—have now shifted their sights to parents’ sweet...
White Ally Anxiously Awaits Invite to Juneteenth Cookout
Semi-confident she’s been a good enough white person to finally be invited to the Juneteenth cookout, self-proclaimed ally Allison Wetzel announced today she’s cautiously optimistic about her chances of attending this year.
“This year, I...
Piroshky Piroshky Owner’s City Council Stump Speech Weirdly Includes 14 Mentions of ‘Flaky Crust’
People were left confused and mostly hungry after listening to Piroshky Piroshky owner Olga Sagan’s latest Seattle City Council candidacy stump speech, which included no less than 14 bewildering and drool-worthy mentions of “flaky...
Ann Davison Ends Community Court in Favor of Burning the Accused at the Stake
Hoping to mimic the success of public burnings at deterring crimes like heresy, witchcraft and sodomy, Seattle City Attorney Ann Davison said she thinks her shift in prosecuting strategy to burning people at the...
Washington Lawmakers Scrap Free School Lunches for All, Encourage Children to Forage at Recess
Although Washington state legislators recently scrapped a plan to join California, Colorado, Minnesota, and Maine in offering universal free school lunches to all children, today they are celebrating passage of a pared-down version of...
Working Class Heroes: This Orca Pod Decided to Literally Eat the Rich
In a stunning show of working-class solidarity, one determined local pod of orcas has taken inspiration from their European yacht-sinking cousins and decided to just literally eat the rich.
“This orca pod's coordinated effort to...
