Scientists Confirm Thanksgiving Gatherings Only Safe If Everyone There Voted for Biden
Liberal families across the country rejoiced today as CDC scientists confirmed that inviting friends and family over for Thanksgiving during a pandemic is totally safe as long as everyone there voted Joe Biden for...
Stuffing Turkey Most Intimacy Man Has Experienced Since March
Lacking any human touch since March, a Fremont man has experienced his first spark of intimacy in months today while stuffing and dressing his Thanksgiving turkey.
“I haven’t felt skin-to-skin contact in months, but when...
Low-Paid Non-Union Assembly Sure to Stop Boeing Planes From Falling Out of Sky
In an effort to rebuild trust in its assembly line quality after cutting corners led to several of its planes falling out of the sky, Boeing assured airlines and the general public this morning...
Ultralight Backpacker Removes Ribs to Save Weight
After years of downsizing his list of backpacking essentials, veteran ultralight backpacker Nathan Hurley said he’s ready to head out this weekend with his lowest pack weight ever after surgically removing his lower ribs.
“Every...
Man Kinda Wishes He Knew Second Stimulus Not Coming Before He Spent $49 on Single Turnip at PCC
A Fremont man returned from PCC with a nasty surprise today after discovering that a second stimulus check would not eventually be arriving this fall to rescue him from his costly impulse purchase of...
Smokey Bear Authorized by NPS to Maul Noncompliant Campers
Underfunded, undermanned and facing the threat of another dire wildfire season in the midst of a global pandemic, a desperate U.S. National Park Service has officially authorized its beloved Smokey Bear mascot to maul...
Durkan’s Police Defunding Plans Just Very Realistic Cake
A week after Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan handed out copies of her police defunding proposal, skeptical activists finally dug into the documents today only to discover that, all along, they were actually just very...
Gov. Inslee Under White House Pressure to Add Trump’s Face to Gum Wall
Following a recent inquiry President Trump made about having his head added to Mount Rushmore, details have emerged of a call Governor Jay Inslee received inquiring how the President might go about getting his...
Liberated Woman Excited to Leave First Scathing Yelp Review in Months
Following several harrowing months of being deprived the capitalist comforts guaranteed to her by the United States Constitution, a newly liberated Kent woman has heroically returned to her essential work as a prolific, one-star...
EU Countries Banning Travel from U.S. Unsure Why They Didn’t Do This Years Ago
Brussels – Two weeks after it decided to extend its ban on U.S. travelers, the European Union announced today that its cobblestone streets have been so free of McDonalds wrappers, Starbucks cups and cargo...
