Ice Skating Rink Voted Most Romantic Place to Break Your Tailbone
A new local poll revealed today that festive lovebirds don’t need to look further than their local ice skating rink to find the most romantic place to break your tailbone and humiliate yourself while...
PCC Markets to Host Gluten-Themed Haunted House
Local clean-eating co-op grocer PCC Community Markets just announced that tonight they’ll be transforming their markets into spooky haunted houses called “Frankenfood Manor.”
“Member-customers will start in the ‘Gluten Free Zone’ only to realize member-workers...
New Capitol Hill BBQ Restaurant Offers Vaped Meats
Ever on the cutting edge of local cuisine and lung-pollution, one new Capitol Hill BBQ restaurant is now satisfying cravings for both at the same time: Nick O’Tien’s Slow-Vaped Meats.
“BBQ has always been about...
Cranberry Sauce Performs Seductive Little Shimmy Out of Can
Visitors of a local Thanksgiving feast were treated to dinner and a show today after a can of jellied cranberry sauce performed a seductive little shimmy out of its can.
“Ladies and gentleman, it’s the...
Imaginary Girlfriend in Canada Still Unable to Cross Border into U.S.
Local man Lucas Anderson failed to surprise anyone today with an announcement that, despite the opening of the northern U.S. border more than a week ago, his imaginary Canadian girlfriend has still been unable...
Starbucks Recommends Pumpkin Spice Booster if Last Latte Was More Than 2 Hours Ago
After much speculation since the release of their fall flavors last month, coffee experts at Starbucks’ CDC (Caffeine Deficiency Center) officially announced today that they will begin recommending pumpkin-spice boosters if someone’s last latte...
Local Sleuth Traces Anxiety Attack to Ninth Cup of Coffee
After conducting an investigation so riveting true crime podcasters are already clawing over each other to tell her story, area Detective Benita Collins confirmed she was able to follow the breadcrumbs from her anxiety...
Seattleite in Vancouver Launches Formal Investigation into WTF That Is
A Seattle resident visiting Vancouver, B.C this weekend confirmed today that she’ll be launching a formal investigation into whatever the fuck that thing that looks like it’s trying to be the Space Needle is.
“It...
‘I Just Can’t Bring Myself to Cook in the Summer,’ Says Man Who Doesn’t Cook in the Fall, Winter or Spring
After smashing the food delivery button for the second time in 12 hours, Maple Leaf's local restaurant savior Henry Woodbury confessed tonight he just can’t bring himself to cook in the summer to a...
Bar Patron Kicked Out for Being Unvaccinated Misses Halcyon Days of Getting Kicked Out for Being Belligerent
Shortly after Linda’s Tavern on Capitol Hill kicked him out for being unvaccinated, local bar patron Sean Upchuck says he just wishes everything could go back to normal so he could continue getting kicked...
