Officer Teddy Recalled Due to Choking Hazard
After a string of violent incidents against unarmed consumers, popular plush toy Officer Teddy has been recalled due to the extreme choking hazard he...
Ben & Jerry’s Debut New ‘A.C.A.B. Cookie Crunch’
Following a powerful press release declaring "We must dismantle white supremacy," popular ice cream producers Ben & Jerry’s have released a new flavor, consisting...
West Seattle Achieves Permanent Social Distancing
While the sudden and indefinite closure of the fractured West Seattle Bridge has come as a blow to many, West Seattle residents who’ve voluntarily...
Looter Returns Clothes After Realizing They’re From Old Navy
One man’s victorious high from looting a Downtown Seattle business during Saturday’s protests came to an abrupt end this morning when he realized all...
Delivery Driver Blissfully Unaware Package He’s Risking Life to Drop Off Just Box of Smucker’s Uncrustables
As Seattle’s fleet of gig economy workers have been transformed into the lifeline of the city virtually overnight, one delivery driver is blissfully unaware...
‘Not All Who Wander Are Lost,’ Posts Quarantined Travel Blogger On Awe-Inspiring Trip to Dumpster
Needling travel correspondent Vegan Vagabond is back with a special dispatch from her Capitol Hill apartment complex.
By Vegan Vagabond
The moment the heavy, modern doors...
Local Couple Now Speaks Entirely in Gibberish Following Prolonged Quarantine with Baby, Pet Dog
The prolonged quarantine has reportedly taken its toll on local Green Lake couple Tom and Megan Kinsdale as their constant isolation with only their...
Defiant Elmo Storms Sesame Street City Hall Demanding Right to Be Tickled
The peaceful neighborhood of Sesame Street erupted into chaos today as popular muppet Elmo led an anti-lockdown protest to the steps of City Hall...
Jeff Bezos Donates 2 Million Human Lungs to Bolster Coronavirus Relief Efforts
Much needed help materialized for coronavirus-inundated medical staff today when local billionaire and reluctant philanthropist Jeff Bezos arrived at Harborview Medical Center with truckloads...
Mike Pence Quietly Asks FDA to Remove ‘Obscene Little Buttholes’ from Oranges
Amid chaotic crisis planning to
mitigate a global pandemic, Vice President Mike Pence has reportedly also found
the time to quietly ask the FDA to remove...
