25-Year-Old Horrified to Discover He 40 in Pandemic Years
As the coronavirus pandemic has forced the nation into sedentary lifestyles and rustic hobbies, one 25-year-old was horrified to learn today that he’s aged...
Local Seattleite Still Peeking Between Blinds at Suspiciously Sunny Day
Following weeks of freakishly cold weather and record rainfall, one local man has spent all day leering through his cracked blinds at the suspiciously...
NASA’s Perseverance Rover Criticized for Fleeing Crisis-Stricken Earth for Sunny Mars Vacation
The historic landing of the Mars Perseverance Rover has been met with controversy today after many of Earth’s citizens accused the rover of abandoning...
Woman Placed in Witness Protection After Feeding Cat Breakfast an Hour Late
A Lynnwood woman has been placed into the Federal Witness Protection program today after she had discovered that her cat, Dr. Meowchi, had repeatedly...
Spoiled Brat Riding Out Rest of 2020 in Womb
While the entire world collectively suffered the wrath of 2020, one spoiled unborn brat is reportedly on track for sparing himself the misery of...
Puppy Bowl Star Ejected for Unnecessary Ruffness After Illegal Snoot-to-Snoot Contact
Controversy has marred the annual Puppy Bowl today after Linebarker Vontaze Barkfict was ejected for a late hit on Snifferback Pup Hamilton that resulted...
Tacoma PD Claims Officer ‘Feared for New Paint Job’ Before Plowing Car Into Crowd
Although videos of a Tacoma police officer ramming his cruiser through a crowd over the weekend look and sound disturbing, local police union president...
Quarantine Haircut Qualifies as Both Self-care and Self-harm
Wellness gurus across the nation are now confirming that quarantine self-haircuts have officially joined body waxing, nose hair plucking and literally anything Gwyneth Paltrow...
CEO Assures MLK Would Have Wanted You to Work Today
In and inspiring e-mail to staff who mandatorily worked on Martin Luther King Jr. Day, CEO of local tech firm HustleCorps assured his employees...
Sick Bastards Put Tree in Living Room Just to Watch Something Slowly Die
A local neighborhood is in shock today after reports that, a mere two days into December, a group of truly sick bastards have already...
