Local Mom Blows Dust Off Uneaten Marshmallow Peeps for 7th Straight Year
Continuing an Easter tradition like no other, today one local Mom retrieved the uneaten marshmallow peeps from a box in the garage and blew...
Sick Bastard Puts Olive Oil in Coffee and Then Restricts Bathroom Access
As Howard Schultz prepares to take a bow at Starbucks, the CEO announced his final act would be infusing coffee with olive oil in...
Man in Head-to-Toe Carhartt Must Be Heading to Coal Mine After Shift at Vegan Dog Bakery
Customers at a local vegan dog bakery were impressed by the gritty work ethic of one of its Carhartt-clad employees, who everyone assumes must...
Sound Transit’s New Escher-lators Broken in Three Different Planes of Existence
Sound Transit’s rollout of their new multi-directional conveyance system was spoiled today after its newly installed escher-lators already broke down in three different planes...
Jeff Bezos’ Dog Walker Forced to Also Pee on Fire Hydrant
As conditions in Amazon facilities continue to come under fire, Jeff Bezos’ personal dog walker has stepped forward to reveal that he’s also forced...
New Canlis Menu Written by ChatGPT Promises ‘Cunnilingus Adventure for Your Taste Birds’
No stranger to experimentation, famed dining destination Canlis reportedly asked AI chatbot ChatGPT to write tonight’s special menu, but discovered they might have a...
Space Needle Waiting Whole Life for This Moment
As a suspected Chinese high-altitude surveillance balloon floated high over the US today, the Space Needle assured Seattle locals that it had been waiting...
Oscars ‘Multiverse Stream’ Treats Viewers to Timeline Where Will Smith Slaps Chris Rock with Hot Dog Fingers
After struggling with ratings over the past decade, producers for the 2023 Oscars decided to experiment with a new “multiverse stream” format in which...
Bill Nye Breaks Bad; Establishes Evil Lair at Pacific Science Center
After spending decades as the face of educational TV programming, local authorities say Bill Nye the Science Guy has suddenly broken bad and established...
Seattle Times Removes Dilbert Comic; Gives Him Op-Ed Column
Following a racist tirade by Dilbert creator Scott Adams, The Seattle Times announced this week that it would be removing the Dilbert comic from...
