Target Unveils New High-Waisted Mom Masks
With the need for protective facial masks at an all-time high and Mother’s Day just around the corner, Target has unveiled the new High-Waisted Mom Mask, part of their new line of stylish, everyday...
Man Getting Laid About the Same Rate as Before Virus
According to the latest data sets recorded over the last few weeks, researchers are confirming Mountlake Terrace resident Gerald Pataki, 34, is getting laid at about the same rate now as before the virus.
Sources...
Secret Service Agent Kissed in Line of Fire, Saving Joe Biden From Himself
A secret service agent was critically smooched tonight while heroically leaping to protect South Carolina Democratic primary winner, Joe Biden, from yet another attempt to plant a wet one on a local voter. ...
Aw! 5 Adorable STDs That Still Think They’re Scary
Like a boogeyman in the sheets, STDs once haunted us with their terrifying prospects of oozing genitalia sores, searing urination, and increased chances of cervical cancer. Oh the nightmares we used to have thinking...
New Amazon Alex Talks Over You at Meetings
Amazon announced today that it has equipped its Echo devices
with Alexa’s first male-voiced counterpart, Alex, which comes with the added
functionality of talking over you at meetings and repackaging your ideas as its
own.
The tech...
Vegan Vows to Drive All Steaks Off Mercer Island
Cursing the carnal eating of juicy, sliced-beef hindquarters at homes and restaurants across Mercer Island, vegan Wolf Michaels vowed today to rid the Lake Washington isle of all steaks.
“The sinful consumption of these
salty, rosemary-buttered...
Face Mask Shortage Leading to Unexpected Rise in BDSM Experimentation
Amid
severe shortages of face masks during the worldwide coronavirus pandemic, reports
are flooding in that homes across the country are experiencing a rapid rise in
BDSM erotic bondage, kinbaku and figging.
Experts say it began in...
Microsoft Windows Update Team Can Now Work Directly from Hell
With the announcement that all Microsoft employees should utilize
remote work options for the rest of the month, the Windows Update team rejoiced
as they can now work directly from Hell without having to make the...
CDC Recommends Indulging in Purell Bath Bombs This #SelfCareSunday
The Center for Disease Control has announced new coronavirus guidelines today, reminding the public of the importance of practicing antibacterial self-care to safeguard against the global viral pandemic.
“All scientific minds at the CDC have...
Weather Confirms Seattle Still Under Witch’s Curse
As a thick blanket of rain descends on the greater Seattle area for every foreseeable day in the local weather forecast, The Needling’s intrepid reporters have confirmed that Seattle is, indeed, still under the...
