Archaeologists Unearth Ancient 5G Towers Responsible for Black Plague
In what many are calling a world-shattering discovery, archaeologists in England have unearthed a series of massive, ancient 5G towers that have been determined...
Mayor Durkan Kicks Off Pride Month Festivities with Rainbow-Colored Tear Gas
Determined to reconcile with Capitol Hill—the center of Seattle’s LGBTQ community and this week’s Black Lives Matter protests against police brutality—Mayor Jenny Durkan kicked...
Parents of Returning College Student Rush to Convert Sex Playroom Back to Childhood Bedroom
Issaquah parents of a Gonzaga junior experienced one of the most harrowing days of their lives today when they suddenly learned they had less...
Dan Savage, Fremont Troll Top List of 10 Best Seattle Celebrities on Cameo
As people increasingly dump zoom calls with grandma for Cameo, a website where users pay celebrities to send them personalized video messages, a few...
Local Micromanager Can’t Wait to Hover Over Your Cubicle Again
Despite months of working so far away from each other, local office project manager Steve Hobbs says he can’t wait to hover over your...
New Study Confirms Cats Can’t Spread COVID-19, But Would If Given Option
A new study out of the University of Washington has left local pet owners with mixed emotions after scientists confirmed that their beloved pet...
Tonight at 8: Seattleites to Open Windows, Bellow Guttural Noise from Depths of Troubled Souls
To celebrate reaching peak levels of the existential dread Seattle has long been famous for, thousands of the city’s residents are expected to open...
Man Wearing Mask for First Time Learning Alarming Truths About Own Breath
As the nation continues to adjust to the new realities of life during the COVID-19 pandemic, many first-time mask wearers are learning alarming truths...
Spring Cleaning Put Off Until Next World-Halting Pandemic
The build-up to a local man’s much-anticipated goal of spring cleaning his home climaxed today with the sobering realization that there now isn’t enough...
Local Couple Expecting First Dog
After several months of keeping their secret to themselves, Julia and Connor Seblisky of Crown Hill have announced on Pinterest-inspired stationary that they are...
