Chateau Ste. Michelle Confirms John Legend Concert Will Have Maskless Make-out Section
A day after releasing its 2021 Summer Concert Series schedule, Woodinville winery and event venue Chateau Ste. Michelle confirmed its sold-out John Legend concert will include a maskless make-out section for vaccinated, turned-on ticketholders.
“Just...
Seattle Resident Ready to Return COVID Boyfriend to Tool Library
After keeping him throughout quarantine, Seattle resident Lisa Carroll announced today that her COVID lockdown boyfriend is ready to be returned to the free tool library for a new item.
“He watered and mowed the...
Local Woman Celebrates 5 Years of Acting Amused by Boyfriend’s College Drinking Stories
This holiday weekend, one lucky local lady is celebrating her fifth year of smiling and nodding while her boyfriend tells yet another story about his party days back in college.
“Ah, I remember the...
Research Shows ‘WandaVision’ Apparently Not Documentary About Wanda Sykes
Contrary to popular belief, researchers released a report today confirming that Disney+ hit, WandaVision, is in fact not a tell-all documentary about about beloved comedian and actor Wanda Sykes at all.
“I mean, it was...
Single LGBTQ+ Employee Paraded Through Company Like Stanley Cup
In a historic first for the local corporate offices of SalesPusher.com, its senior marketing team’s staff victoriously acquired its first LGBTQ+ employee and promptly paraded him down the halls like a Stanley Cup.
“We fuckin...
Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Recognizes Nirvana Drummer’s Cute Little Side Project
In the spirit of promoting up-and-coming musicians, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame announced today that this year it would be recognizing a cute little side project from former Nirvana drummer, Dave Grohl.
“They’re...
Thought of New Fast & Furious Film Only Thing That Kept Man Going Through Pandemic
While many turned to the support of family, friends, or newfound hobbies to endure the long lockdowns of 2020, it was the prospect of the newest installment in the Fast & Furious franchise that...
Melvins Discography Now Sentient, Multiplying on Its Own
Longtime Melvins fan Dana Garcia reports the band’s massive catalog appears to have come to life and is multiplying in her living room.
“I came in and there were some records on the floor. I...
New AmazonSmile Charity Lets You Burn Down Independent Bookstores
AmazonSmile announced today that customers can now donate a fraction of their purchases to a new charity specializing in setting fire to independent bookstores.“The charity ‘Beatty’s Books’ is named after the heroic firefighter from...
‘No, We Don’t Even Drink Water,’ Says Muslim to White Coworker Who’s Had 2 Decades to Google That
In an annual show of performative curiosity, today local white coworker Lizzie Hedges asked her Muslim coworker Mariem Aloui the same question about Ramadan for the third year in a row instead of Googling...
