Experts Find Brown Bear Tri-color Foam Car Wash Effective Alternative to Getting High
Leading scientists concluded in a study released today that splurging for a Brown Bear tri-color foam car wash is an effective alternative to getting high.
“I only had 15 minutes between leaving work and picking...
Man Wins Seattlers of Catan by Hoarding All Gore-Tex Resources
One local man declared total victory over his opponents at Mox Boarding House today after deploying a bold “hoard all Gore-Tex resources” strategy to win the board game Seattlers of Catan.
“Everyone thought I was...
Lauren Sanchez Left at Home After Jeff Bezos Only Able to Score One Taylor Swift Ticket
Trouble in paradise is brewing for Jeff Bezos today after he made the controversial decision to leave his fiancée, Lauren Sanchez, at home when he was only able to score one ticket to see...
Tacoma Upstages Everett’s Seattle-Paine Field Airport Rebrand With New T-Pain Field
Just days after it was announced that Everett’s Paine Field is being renamed Seattle-Paine Field Airport, Tacoma quickly stole the spotlight away today with the unveiling of their own new T-Pain Field.
“Oh, okay, Seattle—I...
Crowd Cheers as Beyoncé Gets In Formation, Goes Full Lemonade on Fleet of SPD Cruisers
After a long week of waiting for anyone to punish Seattle police union leaders caught on tape laughing at the death of a young woman killed by another officer, Thursday night a relieved and...
Fallen Leaf Receives 12-hour Leaf Blower Salute
In a moving and touching tribute, today a lone fallen leaf received an entire 12-hour leaf-blower salute before being laid to rest by loyal local deciduous tree watchguard Fred Nederson.
“No single leaf is too...
“Seattle Freeze in Full Effect,” Declares Room of Transplants Not Speaking to Each Other
The Cleveland-born founder of the Seattle SuperThawNics — a new support group for lonely transplants unable to navigate their new home’s frigid, post-apocalyptic streets alone — says he’s putting an end to the Seattle...
Lake Union Hot Tub Boat Easily Capsizes into Cold Tub Boat
As summer temperatures spike worldwide, today Seattle's Lake Union Hot Tub Boats unveiled a new line of vessels that easily capsize into cold-tub boats.
“We know stewing in a hot tub bubbling with 10 different...
Orca Pod Commandeers Fireworks Boat, Points Pyrotechnic Cannons at Jeff Bezos’ Yacht
Following a series of coordinated attacks on extravagant sailing vessels across the world, today one orca pod escalated their assault on the 1% after commandeering an Independence Day fireworks boat and pointing the pyrotechnic...
Seattle Reggae Festival Books Real-Life Black Man
Proving its genuine commitment and respect to the historical roots of reggae in Black culture, today the Seattle Reggae Festival proudly announced one of the 12 acts they’ve booked for their upcoming weekend-long event...
