Too excited to wait on getting in the spirit of his favorite part of rainy season, festive local man Daniel Langley admitted today he’s already putting out all his winter depression decorations.
“I couldn’t help it! You hear that pitter-patter of the rain on the window and how can you not be in the mood to cover every surface in your home with wreaths of empty pizza boxes?” said Langley, as he poured a bottle of vitamin D into a crystal candy dish he inherited from his grandmother. “I’ve already decorated just about every corner in here with cornucopias of dirty socks, tissues, and boxers. Next, I think I’m gonna take the vibe I’m going for here up a notch with flannel pajama bottom garlands for the lamps. We’ll see how it turns out—I saw it on Redditrest!”
Asked for comment, Langley’s friends admitted they think he puts out his winter depression decorations way too annoyingly early.
“Look, don’t get me wrong – I love slipping into a deep, depressive winter oblivion myself. I just think it’s wrong to do it before January,” said his friend Patrick Nelson. “That said, I get how tempting it could be to get the season started early when you see that first sign toward the end of September that the Mariners are going to suddenly, inexplicably, fall apart.”
At press time, Langley had already gone early-decoration shopping for more adornments including a giant, blow-up sun that briefly rises over a mountain horizon from Costco and—exclusive from Target Pride Winter Depression section—a light-up 35-year-old gay man endlessly scrolling on Grindr without finding a date.
