New Study Shows Mystery Liquid at Bottom of Kayak 90% White Claw and Pee
University of Washington researchers published a landmark study today confirming that the lukewarm, beige slurry that’s been sloshing around at the bottom of your...
Millions of French People Already Bored of Olympics
As the 2024 Summer Olympics kicked off today with its opening ceremonies featuring exciting celebrities like Lady Gaga and Snoop Dogg alongside the world’s...
DEA Classifies Molly Moon’s as Schedule 1 Drug
Citing its high overdose potential, today the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) officially added Molly Moon’s ice cream to its list of Schedule 1 substances.
“Molly...
Local MAGA Man Just Wants More Freedom to Take Away All Your Freedoms
After heated political rhetoric about conservatives’ Project 2025 plans allegedly led to political violence over the weekend when former president Donald Trump was almost...
‘Our Country Is Better Than This,’ Says Country That Has Never Been Better Than This
Today millions of citizens of a country that is not even close to being better than this and never has been talked about how...
Boeing to Leave Starliner Stuck in Space to Prove It Still Makes Things That Don’t Fall Out of the Sky
After days of speculation about when it will be able to safely detach from the International Space Station and return to Earth, today Boeing...
Sharks Attempt to Repair Image By Eating Their Way Through Forbes 500 List
Following a series of highly publicized attacks on yachts by orca pods, sharks have reportedly jumped on the bandwagon in an attempt to repair...
Seattle Mariners Apologize for ‘Geoduck Run’ Mascot Race
Although it had initially hoped to capitalize on the success of their new “Salmon Run” race with another sea-animal themed sprint, today the Seattle...
Seafair Pirate Boat Torpedoed by Coast Guard, So That Problem Is Finally Solved
After someone told them that a boat full of pirates have been terrorizing the city of Seattle every summer since 1950, today the U.S....
Broadmoor Family Celebrates Bastille Day Eating Baguettes Safely Barricaded in Multi-Million Dollar Home
Hunkered down in their bespoke panic room, one Broadmoor family said they aren’t taking their chances this Bastille Day despite living in an exclusive...
