Children Delighted to See Cigarettes Left Out for Amazon Delivery Worker Have Been Smoked
Christmas magic was on full display this morning when children of the Little family came tumbling down the stairs to discover the cigarettes they’d...
Christmas Canceled After Santa’s Boeing Sleigh Falls Apart
Christmas was reportedly canceled today after the sleigh Santa had commissioned from Boeing fell apart, stranding the holiday deity just outside of SeaTac.
"I told...
Santa Tracker Reveals Shocking Extent of Reindeer Emissions
This year, in addition to showing a live feed of his international Christmas flight route, NORAD’s famous Santa Tracker is also revealing the shocking...
Hunky Rural Christmas Tree Farmers Tired of Hallmark Movie Objectification
Today Hunky Christmas Arborists Union Local 525 called for an official boycott of all romcom-stye Christmas movies popularized by the Hallmark Channel saying the...
Report: Grinch’s Heart Actually Enlarged from Cocaine Use
Contrary to hopes that the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes today due to an expanded ability to love others, a report has just confirmed...
Fired Seattle Police Chief Adrian Diaz Just Wondering If He Still Has to Pretend He’s Gay
Since it didn’t keep him from getting fired this week for hiring a woman he was having an affair with amid several other accusations...
San Andreas Earthquake Welcome to Launch West Coast Off to Sea Anytime Now
Following a prolonged vote-counting process that threatens to drag on for what little remains of our doomed lives after Donald Trump’s probably successful bid...
Bald Eagles Suddenly Renewing Their Passports
Today the Washington Fish & Wildlife Service reported a sudden and swift surge of bald eagles attempting to renew their passports over the last...
Burnt Out ‘Seattle Pubic Storage’ Sign Significantly Less Charming Than ‘Tacoma Elf Storage’
One local storage facility manager's attempt at viral glory flopped today after the public found his “Seattle Pubic Storage” sign significantly less charming than...
Martin Selig Evicts Three Ghosts Sent to Teach Him a Lesson About Christmas
Local real estate mogul Martin Selig reportedly kicked three supernatural visitors to the curb early today after the ghosts attempted to teach him a...
