Citing positive feedback and increased foot traffic that grew day after day for a year and a half, next week the car-free Pike Place Market pilot program will come to an end on Oct. 1 after it was deemed too successful to continue.
“Everyone talks about how stressful car traffic is, but so is too much foot traffic when there’s just one greedy customer after another buying everything you have in stock,” said market vendor and miserable fuck Vicky Scruggs. “Financial stability for every vendor here just isn’t in keeping with the character of the market. Trust me: The buskers are so much more charming when they’re as poor and desperate as a character in a Dickens novel, especially at Christmas!”
No more than five other Seattleites out of 700,000 agreed that it’ll be a relief to see the market go back to allowing angry tourists to drive into and get stuck in the market.
“Without the threat of giant SUVs and pickups running over their children, people were beginning to feel too safe and started taking their families to hang out here more often—it was getting out of hand, especially with the lovely Waterfront nearby,” said Seattle resident Shawn Pratt. “Pike Place Market needs to get back to people constantly feeling on-edge and always watching their backs until they somehow make it out alive–that’s what the market’s really about.”
At press time, Seattle Mayor Katie Wilson confirmed this last summer’s World Cup games in Seattle were also far too joyful and life-affirming in every way to welcome any events like that back into the city ever again.
