As her first act in office after her swearing in ceremony Friday morning, new Seattle Mayor Katie Wilson furiously pounded her fist on a desk demanding her staff immediately fill her chalice with NIMBY blood.
“Public servant! Fetch me the blood of the most annoying NIMBY you can find post-haste,” said Mayor Wilson impatiently clanging her executive chalice on a table. “I walked all the way here from my Capitol Hill apartment this morning pushing my daughter in a stroller and my thirst must be slaked!”
Still unsatiated as she waited for the crimson elixir of life from people who will do anything to block more dense housing and walkable communities, Mayor Wilson reportedly demanded even more.
“And—while we’re at it—books, bread and roses aren’t enough! I want whoever fucked with the Comprehensive Plan last year’s head on a platter,” Mayor Wilson said, seething with rage. “Oh the walkable Neighborhood Centers that could have been. If you think drinking NIMBY blood is bad, wait and see what happens with parking minimums, single family zoning, and of course affordable social housing while I’m in office. Eat your heart out, Bellevue.”
At press time, Mayor Wilson’s staff said they didn’t know if she preferred the blood of NIMBYs who pretend to care more about neighborhood character or the environment so they just got both.
