Concerns over the famed Pike Place Gum Wall have been renewed after recent reports indicate that the disgusting tourist attraction consumed its 4th child this month.
“We’re deeply saddened by the unfortunate loss of those children, but rest assured we’ve got it all under control,” said Frederick Johnson, spokesperson for Pike Place Market. “We’ve been feeding it pigeons, stray cats and in a pinch, the fishmongers upstairs will pitch a salmon down to it. It did not care for the impossible salmon, I can tell you that much, but it’s certainly not eating children. Between you and me, we have been exploring more… aggressive solutions to pacify its moist, sticky expansion. We tried scraping all the gum off, pressure washing it, chemical solvents, but it just keeps regenerating anew. The other day it spelled out ‘WE FEED FOR WE KNOW NOT ELSE’ in Bubble Tape, which was eerie, but completely unrelated to the disappearance of those four kids.”
To learn more about the Gum Wall’s growing appetite, Needling Reporters spoke to an eerie, cloudy eyed man clad in tattered robes emerging soundlessly from a shadowed brick corridor deep in Pike Place Market.
“The stewards of this land signed a terrible deal with the elastic devil for fleeting tourist riches, and it’s yer young that will pay thy wretched Bubble Yum price,” said the mysterious, weathered stranger, his grey eyes peering aimlessly off into the distance as he clutched his gnarled wooden staff. “Double ye flavor, double ye unspeakable terror is what is in store for ye offspring if ye heed not my warnings. It’s ravenous appetite has become more unrestrained of late, pulsating and bubbling, pangs of hunger driving its tendrils forth to ensnare the nearest living creature to satiate its pink, rubbery bloodlust. I fear that if nothing is done, it shall break from its mortar shackles and roam yer streets, to consume and digest thy fair city for seven years to come.”
The Seattle City Council recently held an Extra special emergency meeting to Spearmint the problem, hoping to re-Dubble their efforts to avoid such a Big League tragedy from occurring again.
