After years of people speculating about why the Eastern Washington city of Spokane spells its name in a way that inevitably gets it constantly mispronounced, today residents of “The City of Choice” admitted they choose to keep the “e” because they hate themselves too.
“You’d think that if we really wanted people to say ‘Spo-kan’—not ‘Spo-kayn’—we’d simply drop the ‘e,’ but you’re not accounting at all for how much we also hate ourselves,” said lifelong Spokane resident Charlie Hayes. “That’s right: It’s not just you over in your elitist blue land of endless shoreline property turning your nose up at us—we also clearly hate ourselves so much we’ve voluntarily subjected ourselves to hearing the name of our city torturously mangled until the day we die. Also we have a degradation kink.”
The confession had people across the country encouraging the city to finally find the self-esteem to get rid of the “e.”
“No, please no—all this talk is just making us hate ourselves even more because the entire reason the ‘e’ was added was to try to more accurately represent the right way to say the name of Native chief Illum Spokanee, but then we don’t even say the ‘e’ which means the whole time we’ve been saying it wrong too—God, we’re pieces of shit,” Hayes said as he started to cry. “Pardon me, I’m gonna go eat some junk over by the Garbage Goat where I belong.”
In a magnificent show of empathy to help them feel better, Seattle admitted it’s not a leader on commonsense legislation like banning single family zoning and parking mandates like Spokane is because it also hates itself.
