After a series of near-death experiences in recent months—including a pilot on shrooms trying to crash a plane and an entire chunk of the passenger cabin flying off mid-flight on Friday—today Alaska Airlines said it would be leaning into its new reputation with an official rebrand to a psychedelic skydiving company.
“Some might call these recent event PR disasters for our company, but we think this is actually an excellent opportunity to make ourselves an even more Pacific Northwest-branded company by completely shifting our business model from passenger air travel to skydiving on any psychedelic of your choice,” said Alaska Airlines spokesman Barry Smith. “Besides, I think our new customer base will find there’s no better way to make sure Mount Rainier is still there than skydiving directly into its crater after dropping a tab.”
Because it made its entire fleet of planes out of Boeing jets, including some that are falling apart mid-flight after just three months in operation, Alaska Airlines said it needed to make the expensive purchases pencil out somehow.
“The nice thing about these models is that after a chunk of the plane automatically dislodges about 20 minutes into the flight, it doesn’t take much for our flight attendants to kick people’s flimsy seats and send them flying through the opening to begin their skydiving adventure,” said Smith. “For a small upgrade, passengers who want to do ayahuasca up there can skydive with a special body suit that tactfully contains all their bodily fluids for their trip.”
Other airlines with similar Boeing airplane models said they’re thinking about possibly doing similar rebrands but will probably hold off until enough of their own passengers are almost killed by their own planes and/or pilots.
