Sometimes when hard data over the last few decades proves Seattle’s crime rates have drastically decreased, it can be hard to keep the faith that the city you choose to keep living in for some reason is a frothing cesspool of chaos and violence. But don’t worry! Here are the 5 top ways to keep believing Seattle’s crime rates are going up, even though they’re definitely not.

  1. Ignore how math works:  Seattle’s crime rates were twice as high in the 80s and early 90s compared to now, but that’s only according to elitists who use math. All you need to believe that Seattle is dying again is to ignore how much the population has exponentially boomed since then, not know what “per capita” means and generally accuse anyone’s who’s accurately answered a math equation in the last five years of being a witch.
  2. Point at a tent: The next time someone tries to tell you most of the records for property and violent crime rates happened decades ago, point at a tent. Everyone knows that every person in this country could have a job that affords them their own home right now, they just choose not to have them – why? Obviously only to cause crime. Tent!!! If it worked for Bruce Harrell and Ann Davison, it’ll work for you.
  3. Mainline KOMO: Most people ingest their daily Vitamin KOMO orally, but did you know you can have reporting pulled out of Eric Johnson’s ass inserted straight into your high blood pressure veins via IV infusion while reading Seattle Times Opinion pieces? It’s true. Only side effect is thinking anyone in the Blethen family can write.
  4. Erase history: Math isn’t the only thing that gets in the way of believing crime rates are far from the worst they’ve ever been in Seattle. History and people’s accurate memories can get in the way too. For instance, there were 1,500 violent crimes per 100,000 people in 1990 compared to 721 in 2021. Take away history and context and voila! The crime rate increased from an average of 657 in 2018 to 721 last year. This is the worst things have been in four years, aka, EVERRR. Time to get on Nextdoor to freak out about that instead of rampant racial and economic injustice and skyrocketing white-collar crime.
  5. Keep believing CHOP still exists: CHOP/CHAZ supposedly hasn’t existed for over a year now, but how can you be sure if you haven’t seen the entire neighborhood of Capitol Hill with your own two eyes in years? Last time you checked with a psychopath in Washington D.C. about what was really happening in your own city it was there. That non-white guy holding a gun there that Fox News photoshopped is probably single-handedly jacking up local crime rates right now – that is, if you believe.

These tips are tried and true! If none of them work, it’s probably time to move to Bellevue or Arizona.

Previous articleDuwamish River to Remain Green for St. Patrick’s Day
Next articleBroke Millennial Woman Freezes Eggs in Dippin’ Dots Pack