With the debut of Seattle’s new hockey team name today, the region’s Sportsball fans announced that they have also landed on a new, condescending name for entire sport and are excited to begin mocking the city’s new Slappy Disc team.
Quinn Feldman, Seattle Sportsball historian and author of How’s Your Little Ball Team Doing: And Other Sporting Condescensions is spearheading the sport’s new branding for the athletically obtuse.
“We’ve had a lot of fun workshopping new nicknames to ridicule this exciting new frivolity,” said Feldman, sipping on a farmhouse saison. “We played around with Ultimate Figure Skating, Punchy Slide and Toothless Canadian Slamboree before finally settling on the sufficiently emasculating Slappy Disc. We’re already working on how we can flippantly misclassify the team’s new name. Seattle SeaChickens? That was all me, baby.”
The new hockey franchise is set to join the NHL in time for the 2021 season, leaving Feldman and his fellow Sportsball enthusiasts plenty of time to brainstorm ways to mock the city’s new pastime.
“Oh, we’re going to make these fools rue the day they ever attempted to ‘do a sports’ publicly,” continued Feldman, quickly checking Ebay for Golden Girls memorabilia to add to his ironic living room sanctuary. “It’s just in time too, as my coworkers were tiring of my pedantic rants describing how football is neither played with a ball nor with your feet. I’m just thrilled to have a new outlet to demean the hobbies of my cornered colleagues who are just trying to wring out a drop of joy in their hellish lives of corporate purgatory.”
While the season is a year away, Feldman hopes in the meantime to convince the multi-billion dollar National Football League to submit to his demands and rebrand as the National Hand-Egg League.
