Experts Say Fear of Delta Variant Totally Acceptable Excuse for Avoiding People You Can’t Stand
Experts at the CDC have announced that using fear of the Delta variant of COVID-19 is a completely acceptable excuse for continuing to avoid...
I’m Richard Branson and This Is Why I’m Prematurely Ejaculating Into Outer Space
Hey, it’s Sir Richie, your favorite billionaire. I just wanted to clear up a few things before I suddenly thrust myself to heaven and...
Quiz: Are You In Love With Them or Did They Just Vaccinate You Against a Deadly Disease 5 Minutes Ago?
When they asked you to roll up your shirt sleeve, you: a. Felt overwhelming gratefulness and expressed thanks as you did just that.b. Took...
Desperate CDC Release Genetically Enhanced Super Surgeon to Speed Up Vaccine Rollout
After a broken freezer put hundreds of COVID-19 vaccinations in danger of expiring last night, the CDC reportedly unleashed for the first time a...
NASA’s Perseverance Rover Criticized for Fleeing Crisis-Stricken Earth for Sunny Mars Vacation
The historic landing of the Mars Perseverance Rover has been met with controversy today after many of Earth’s citizens accused the rover of abandoning...
Woman Placed in Witness Protection After Feeding Cat Breakfast an Hour Late
A Lynnwood woman has been placed into the Federal Witness Protection program today after she had discovered that her cat, Dr. Meowchi, had repeatedly...
Conservative Uncle Excited to Pretend to Care About Budget Deficits Again
Shaking off his disappointment at the outcome of November’s election and subsequent court cases, conservative uncle Harry Garrett formally announced he’s looking forward to...
CDC Study Determines Not Enough Sage or Bleach on Earth to Decontaminate White House
The CDC just released the results of its latest study confirming what many had already suspected: There is not enough sage or bleach on...
Nation Confused as Trump Pardons Betty White
Images of Betty White all over social media this morning were met with a mix of relief and confusion as news reports confirmed she...
Anxious DC Residents Breathe Sigh of Relief as Twisted Tea Semi Arrives at Capitol
A week after a violent mob sieged Congress, tense DC locals looked visibly relieved tonight as the Twisted Tea semi finally arrived at the...
