Trump Presidential Library to Archive Full Collection of Discarded Republican Spines
Although there’s still no word on whether a concession speech is forthcoming from the Republican incumbent, an upbeat White House press release announced today that the future Donald J. Trump Presidential Library will include...
BREAKING: Supreme Court Rejects Trump Effort to Unseal File Revealing Hamburglar’s Identity
In a damning blow to the Trump administration, the Supreme Court has rejected the president’s last desperate plea to unseal corporate McDonald’s documents containing the Hamburglar’s true identity.
“He’s been stealing and hoarding valuable McRib...
Rudy Giuliani Slips From Shedded Skin to Elude Contact Tracers
CDC officials were left confused and thoroughly disgusted after former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani reportedly shed his outer layer of skin to escape the grasp of White House contact tracers.
“I thought we finally had...
COVID-19 Tests Positive for Donald Trump
Despite COVID-19 being 2020’s second most divisive public figure, the world has united to send its thoughts and prayers to the deadly virus after it has reportedly been infected with Donald Trump.
“Oh god no,...
Nation Chooses Correct Addle-Brained Septuagenarian
State election offices are confirming America’s voters have somehow narrowly managed to choose the correct addle-brained, white male septuagenarian to lead the country for the next four years.
“I’m so happy that I get to...
#NeverBiden Camp Sends Thoughts and Prayers to RBG’s Family, All Women
Heartbroken at the loss of Supreme Court legend and equal rights warrior Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, the #NeverBiden camp quickly sent her family—as well as all women, immigrants, people of color, the LGBTQ+ community,...
Shrieking Tucker Carlson Flees Bathroom After Saying ‘Antifa’ 3 Times in Mirror
Just as his network hit the highest ratings in cable news history, Fox News host Tucker Carlson was seen running and shrieking from his bathroom to his safe room after reportedly chanting “antifa” three...
New Zealand Just Showing Off Now
While American COVID-19 cases continue to rise, life has returned to normal in New Zealand after successfully containing the spread of the virus, leading some to wonder when the far-flung island nation is going...
Trump Admits ‘I Only Like Soldiers Who Lose Civil Wars’
Following reports that he sees dead, captured and injured U.S. military soldiers as “suckers” and “losers,” President Donald Trump admitted this afternoon that the only kinds of soldiers he respects are the ones who...
Trump Supporters Alarmed as Airplane Oxygen Mask Suddenly Deploys from Hairpiece
Despite the President’s fervent insistence that he feels better than he did 20 years ago, many of his die-hard supporters at today’s event on the White House South Lawn were reportedly alarmed by an...
