Local Casanova Comes to Bed Wearing Nothing but ‘I Voted’ Sticker
With election results expected to pour in long into the night, one local Casanova wooed his lover by coming to bed wearing nothing but his ‘I Voted’ sticker.
“Hey cutie, are you a drop box?...
‘Congress Is Trash,’ Says Man Whose Record of Voting Is Also Trash
Today the main federal legislative body of the longest-running democracy in the history of human civilization is reportedly complete and utter trash, according to a local man whose lifelong record of voting is also...
Mental Health Significantly Worse After Logging on Facebook to Post About Mental Health Day
While advocates for mental health awareness applauded well-intentioned social media efforts on World Mental Health Day, experts warned that just three minutes on the hellish website could nullify years of therapy.
“I logged on to...
Amazon Prime Air Develops First Remote-Control Drone That Doesn’t Break By End of Christmas Day
Determined to be at the forefront of remote-control drone technology, today Amazon’s Prime Air team announced its engineers have finally successfully created the first one ever that doesn’t break by the end of Christmas...
Howard Schultz Enacts Anti-Union ‘Don’t Say Pay’ Policy at Starbucks
In an effort to curb a burgeoning unionization movement, today Starbucks Interim CEO Howard Schultz announced he’s instituting a “Don’t Say Pay” policy at all their locations nationwide.
“Every day, people violating our traditional ways...
Experts Say Fear of Delta Variant Totally Acceptable Excuse for Avoiding People You Can’t Stand
Experts at the CDC have announced that using fear of the Delta variant of COVID-19 is a completely acceptable excuse for continuing to avoid people in your life that you simply can’t stand.
“Of course...
#NeverBiden Camp Sends Thoughts and Prayers to RBG’s Family, All Women
Heartbroken at the loss of Supreme Court legend and equal rights warrior Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, the #NeverBiden camp quickly sent her family—as well as all women, immigrants, people of color, the LGBTQ+ community,...
The Next Kyrsten Sinema? This Woman Isn’t Planning on Doing Shit Today Either
Hot on the colorful heels of the Arizona senator’s refusal to attempt even the most basic duties of her elected office, a Capitol Hill woman is being hailed as the next Kyrsten Sinema for...
President Announces All Mail-in Gifts Not Delivered By Christmas Don’t Count
In response to allegations that crippling the United States Post Office earlier this year to deter mail-in voting is now resulting in packages not arriving on time for Christmas, President Donald Trump assured the...
Uncommitted Delegates Announce They Want to Settle Down, Just Haven’t Met Right Candidate Yet
After being slandered for a week in the media for being nothing but a bunch of promiscuous political players who can’t commit to anyone, tonight the Uncommitted Delegates announced they actually really want to...
