Sen. Patty Murray Busted Embezzling Extra Hour of Sunshine
Just weeks after spearheading a legislative effort to make Daylight Savings Time permanent, U.S. Senator for Washington State Patty Murray was busted embezzling the...
CDC Recommends Breaking Up No Later Than Feb. 12 for Feb. 15 Rekindling
Ever the authority on clear, definitive health guidelines, today the CDC issued new protocols for those wishing to initiate a strategic, Valentine’s Day-circumventing breakup.
“After...
COVID Not Mad You Forgot Anniversary, ‘It’s Fine’
Despite the two intimate years you spent intertwined in each other's lives, the COVID-19 virus is reportedly not mad that you forgot the two-year...
Weary Nation May Just Have to Learn Where Ukraine Is
As Russian President Vladimir Putin brought the world closer to World War III Monday night when he officially recognized and sent troops to separatist...
How to Honor America’s Presidents by Doing the Bare Minimum
When President’s Day Weekend rolls around, ever find yourself feeling deeply indebted to the souls of Andrew Johnson, Rutherford B. Hayes, or James K....
Medicare-for-All Downgraded to 10 Minutes Alone with Joe Biden’s Medicine Cabinet
Democratic lawmakers announced today that they are officially backpedaling on the original promise of Medicare-for-All, instead opting for the more feasible healthcare option of...
Melinda and MacKenzie Announce New Initiative to Help Women at Risk of Dating Tech Bros
Two of the richest women in the world—divorcees of tech billionaires Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates—announced today that for this year’s season of giving...
The Next Kyrsten Sinema? This Woman Isn’t Planning on Doing Shit Today Either
Hot on the colorful heels of the Arizona senator’s refusal to attempt even the most basic duties of her elected office, a Capitol Hill...
Mental Health Significantly Worse After Logging on Facebook to Post About Mental Health Day
While advocates for mental health awareness applauded well-intentioned social media efforts on World Mental Health Day, experts warned that just three minutes on the...
Angel of Death Thrilled to Announce U.S. Annual Mortality Rate Up by Over 15%
In news which shocked no one, the Angel of Death proudly announced in an annual business review today that the U.S. Annual Mortality Rate...
