NASA’s Perseverance Rover Criticized for Fleeing Crisis-Stricken Earth for Sunny Mars Vacation
The historic landing of the Mars Perseverance Rover has been met with controversy today after many of Earth’s citizens accused the rover of abandoning the planet for a self-serving vacation escape amidst an unprecedented...
Woman Placed in Witness Protection After Feeding Cat Breakfast an Hour Late
A Lynnwood woman has been placed into the Federal Witness Protection program today after she had discovered that her cat, Dr. Meowchi, had repeatedly conspired to have her killed following an incident in which...
Conservative Uncle Excited to Pretend to Care About Budget Deficits Again
Shaking off his disappointment at the outcome of November’s election and subsequent court cases, conservative uncle Harry Garrett formally announced he’s looking forward to pretending to be an advocate for balanced government budgets again.
“I...
CDC Study Determines Not Enough Sage or Bleach on Earth to Decontaminate White House
The CDC just released the results of its latest study confirming what many had already suspected: There is not enough sage or bleach on planet Earth to decontaminate the White House.
“We knew achieving full...
Nation Confused as Trump Pardons Betty White
Images of Betty White all over social media this morning were met with a mix of relief and confusion as news reports confirmed she was not dead, just granted a last-minute pardon by President...
Anxious DC Residents Breathe Sigh of Relief as Twisted Tea Semi Arrives at Capitol
A week after a violent mob sieged Congress, tense DC locals looked visibly relieved tonight as the Twisted Tea semi finally arrived at the Capitol to secure the building with much-needed munitions.
“Heroes like...
December 2020 Refuses to Concede to January 2021
After President Donald Trump finally gave what was essentially a long-awaited concession speech Thursday night, the nation remains in limbo today as December 2020 refuses to concede to January 2021.
"I really thought all of...
White House Officials Quickly Running Out of Buses to Throw Each Other Under
The White House descended into chaos today as its supply of buses to throw each other under ran critically low.
“We thought we had enough this morning, but as soon as Department of Transportation's Elaine...
CDC Condemns Alleged Super-Spreader That Visited Every Home in Single Night
This morning the Center for Disease Control condemned the work of a potentially international coronavirus super-spreader who somehow visited every home in the world last night disguised in only in a mask of coarse...
President Announces All Mail-in Gifts Not Delivered By Christmas Don’t Count
In response to allegations that crippling the United States Post Office earlier this year to deter mail-in voting is now resulting in packages not arriving on time for Christmas, President Donald Trump assured the...
