Uvalde Police Department Unveils New Thin Yellow Line Flag
To commemorate all the bodily fluids lost while assaulting parents trying to rescue their children from an active shooter, today the Uvalde Police Department...
Florida Bans ‘LGBTQ’ from Alphabet
In his latest attempt to block Floridians' exposure to homosexuality, today Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis issued a declaration to officially ban the letters L,...
‘Congress Is Trash,’ Says Man Whose Record of Voting Is Also Trash
Today the main federal legislative body of the longest-running democracy in the history of human civilization is reportedly complete and utter trash, according to...
Half-staff Flag Just Gonna Stay There a While
One local American flag announced today that it has decided it’s just gonna stick around at half-staff for a while.
“Frankly, I’m exhausted from running...
‘Student Loan Debt is the Latest Casualty of the Cancel Culture Cabal,’ Tweets Man from Yacht
One local hero bravely stood up to the woke mob today when he courageously took a moment from drinking straight out of an $800...
Trickle-Down Economics’ Historic 40-Year Drought Definitely Ending Any Decade Now
As the trickle-down economics policy popularized by President Ronald Reagan enters its 41st year, local economic forecasters maintained that the theory’s historic drought—which has...
Howard Schultz Enacts Anti-Union ‘Don’t Say Pay’ Policy at Starbucks
In an effort to curb a burgeoning unionization movement, today Starbucks Interim CEO Howard Schultz announced he’s instituting a “Don’t Say Pay” policy at...
CDC Recommends Breaking Up No Later Than Feb. 12 for Feb. 15 Rekindling
Ever the authority on clear, definitive health guidelines, today the CDC issued new protocols for those wishing to initiate a strategic, Valentine’s Day-circumventing breakup.
“After...
COVID Not Mad You Forgot Anniversary, ‘It’s Fine’
Despite the two intimate years you spent intertwined in each other's lives, the COVID-19 virus is reportedly not mad that you forgot the two-year...
Weary Nation May Just Have to Learn Where Ukraine Is
As Russian President Vladimir Putin brought the world closer to World War III Monday night when he officially recognized and sent troops to separatist...
