‘Student Loan Debt is the Latest Casualty of the Cancel Culture Cabal,’ Tweets Man from Yacht
One local hero bravely stood up to the woke mob today when he courageously took a moment from drinking straight out of an $800...
Trickle-Down Economics’ Historic 40-Year Drought Definitely Ending Any Decade Now
As the trickle-down economics policy popularized by President Ronald Reagan enters its 41st year, local economic forecasters maintained that the theory’s historic drought—which has...
Howard Schultz Enacts Anti-Union ‘Don’t Say Pay’ Policy at Starbucks
In an effort to curb a burgeoning unionization movement, today Starbucks Interim CEO Howard Schultz announced he’s instituting a “Don’t Say Pay” policy at...
CDC Recommends Breaking Up No Later Than Feb. 12 for Feb. 15 Rekindling
Ever the authority on clear, definitive health guidelines, today the CDC issued new protocols for those wishing to initiate a strategic, Valentine’s Day-circumventing breakup.
“After...
COVID Not Mad You Forgot Anniversary, ‘It’s Fine’
Despite the two intimate years you spent intertwined in each other's lives, the COVID-19 virus is reportedly not mad that you forgot the two-year...
Weary Nation May Just Have to Learn Where Ukraine Is
As Russian President Vladimir Putin brought the world closer to World War III Monday night when he officially recognized and sent troops to separatist...
How to Honor America’s Presidents by Doing the Bare Minimum
When President’s Day Weekend rolls around, ever find yourself feeling deeply indebted to the souls of Andrew Johnson, Rutherford B. Hayes, or James K....
Medicare-for-All Downgraded to 10 Minutes Alone with Joe Biden’s Medicine Cabinet
Democratic lawmakers announced today that they are officially backpedaling on the original promise of Medicare-for-All, instead opting for the more feasible healthcare option of...
Melinda and MacKenzie Announce New Initiative to Help Women at Risk of Dating Tech Bros
Two of the richest women in the world—divorcees of tech billionaires Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates—announced today that for this year’s season of giving...
The Next Kyrsten Sinema? This Woman Isn’t Planning on Doing Shit Today Either
Hot on the colorful heels of the Arizona senator’s refusal to attempt even the most basic duties of her elected office, a Capitol Hill...
