Seattle Police Now Equipped with Nerf Guns to Make Shootings More Fun
Facing public outcry over fatal shootings and a general malaise amongst its ranks, the Seattle Police Department is looking to put the "happy" back in trigger-happy cops, equipping over 500 officers with Nerf guns,...
Howard Schultz Apologizes for Associating Seattle with Burnt Coffee
Howard Schultz has finally issued a mea culpa to Seattle for forever linking the city with his burnt, flavorless Starbucks coffee.
“It’s on me,” writes Schultz in his new book “Poor Howard: Self-Serving Observations...
Last Street In Seattle Open To Traffic Now Closed For Repairs
The Seattle Department of Transportation announced Monday afternoon that 4th Avenue — the only street in Seattle that was still left open as of this morning — is now closed...
King County Calls Off Search for Missing Bellevue Shopper
King County has called off their search for missing Bellevue shopper Stacy J. Quinn, who was last seen on Christmas Eve looking for affordable gifts at Anthropologie.
“The maze that is the Bellevue Collection takes...
SR 99 Tunnel Quivering to Be Filled to Capacity
State traffic engineers confirmed Friday that State Route 99 tunnel is almost open for business and just waiting to be filled to capacity. The tunnel has sat empty since a massive, throbbing drill spent...
Crime-fighting Dog, Scrappy Teens Solve Murder of Kurt Cobain
Seattle police say they’ve officially classified Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain’s death as a murder, and the killer is safely behind bars thanks to one tenacious Great Dane and four scrappy teen sleuths. “These kids...
Archie McPhee Shuttered After Police Uncover Rubber Chicken Fighting Ring
Authorities have shut down Archie McPhee after a six-month police investigation found the local plastic tchotchke dealer was actually a front for a rubber chicken fighting ring. In an early morning raid, police SWAT...
Seattle Police Welcome Sleuthing Crime Chimp
In what is either a savvy public relations move or a desperate attempt to fill gaps in a woefully understaffed department, Seattle Police have appointed a specially-trained chimpanzee to the role of detective. “Detective...
Man Avoids Gaze of Real Change Vendor
With the same athleticism that brought his high school football team to the state finals, Chuck “The White Stallion” Winbury cut and dodged his way from his car to the Queen Anne Metropolitan Market’s...
Elon Musk Proposes Giant Bezos Balls Washing Machine
With bloodshot eyes and a handle of whiskey in hand, Elon Musk announced at a morning press conference that he has found another potentially more profitable use for his Tesla electric motors.
“The concept is...
