SPD Stocks Up on Tear Gas After Receiving Tip About ‘Black Friday’ Events Around the City
In an act of extreme precaution and concern for public safety, the Seattle Police Department confirmed today it’s stocking up on tear gas after receiving tips regarding “Black Friday” events taking place around Seattle...
Seattle Tech Giants Partner to Offer NFT Homes to Unhoused Community
In an unprecedented philanthropic partnership, Seattle leaders of tech giants Amazon, Microsoft, Meta and Google announced today they’ll be working together to offer NFT homes located on a digital blockchain far from anyone's real...
Seattle Man Sells Out to Big Umbrella
In a shocking move that rattled friends and relatives today, Pacific Northwest native and temperate climate shill Rick Frink caved and bought an umbrella.
“My father raised me to just pull my hood on tighter...
Spokane Sheriff Blames ‘Kabal of Webster’s Dickshunary’ for Misspelling ‘Washington’ in Times Square Ad
Today the Spokane County Sheriff’s Office blamed the misspelling of their home state as “Washinton” in its giant Times Square police recruitment ads on an undermining and elitist society of leftist grammar Nazis known...
Remember to Set Your Clocks Back to November 7, 2019 This Sunday!
Just in case you forgot: Instead of sticking with the norm of “falling back” just an hour this Sunday when Daylight Savings Time ends, this year all of Seattle is scrapping the whole thing...
Devil Says It May Take Several Days to Count All Souls Democrats Sold Him to Elect Ann Davison
Overwhelmed by the sheer number of Seattle Democrats who sold their souls to him over the last two weeks to elect the city’s first Republican in decades, the Devil announced Tuesday night it would...
Man Unable to Vote After Being Buried in Avalanche of Campaign Mailers
A local man’s chances of reaching the ballot box were smothered today after an avalanche of election campaign mailers buried him alive after opening his mailbox.
“The good news is that I’ve had a lot...
Man Shopping at U Village Amazon Books Just Wanted to Send an Extra Fuck You to Indie Bookstores
Unsure whether purchasing books quickly and conveniently online from Amazon had made it clear enough that he thinks local independent bookstores can go fuck themselves and die already, local book purchaser Jared Riley announced...
Man Dressed as Catalytic Converter Abducted While Walking to Halloween Party
A Ballard man became the latest victim of rising car part thefts across the nation tonight when he was abducted while walking to a Halloween party in a Honda CR-V catalytic converter costume.
“At approximately...
Heartwarming: These Unvaccinated First Responders Weren’t Allowed to Spread COVID at Work So They Did It For Free
A heartwarming display of unsanitary civic showmanship was on display in Pioneer Square yesterday after former members of the Seattle Police and Fire Departments, discharged for their refusal to get vaccinated, showed up unmasked...
