‘18′ and Concrete Cause I Guess That Matters,’ Says Fremont Troll Tinder Bio
With a dwindling faith that he’ll ever be truly loved and adored for anything but his two-figure phallic length, tonight Fremont Troll cut to the chase by adding it to the top of his...
‘No-no-no-no,’ Whispers Harrell After Mayoral Sash Turned Pink By Red Sock Left In Laundry
Right before his first mayoral inauguration event today, a frantic Bruce Harrell was reportedly heard whispering swears to himself upon finding his mayoral sash had turned bright pink after accidentally being washed with a...
KUOW Says the Subarus Are Next If You Don’t Become a Sustaining Member
Shortly after Seattle’s local NPR affiliate KUOW reported that a glitch in local Mazdas had the vehicles’ radio stations permanently stuck on KUOW no matter what their owners tried, the public radio station calmly...
With Passes Open, Seattle Residents Forced to Think of New Excuses for Not Visiting Family in Eastern Washington
Thanks to the tireless work of Washington State Department of Transportation crews and early spring-like weather re-opening all of the state’s major passes again, residents all over the Seattle area say they’re being forced...
National Coin Shortage No Match for Landlord’s Coin-operated Laundry Fetish
Despite being more than a year into a national coin shortage, nothing can dampen one local landlord’s fetish for quarter-eating laundry machines.
“Call me old fashioned, but I think if you’re going to be a...
How to Cope with Being Single During the Holidays While Every Street in Seattle is Getting Plowed
The city’s new snowplow, Sleet Davidson, has already plowed through Marion, Madison, and Cherry while all you managed to do Christmas weekend was swipe through 90 men named Parker as a growing pile of...
Children Delighted to See Cigarettes Left Out for Amazon Delivery Worker Have Been Smoked
Christmas magic was on full display this morning when children of the Little family came tumbling down the stairs to discover the cigarettes they’d left out for the Amazon delivery worker bringing them all...
Santa to Leave Lumps of West Seattle Bridge in Naughty Kids Stockings
Naughty children could be in for a surprise this holiday season after reports emerged that Santa would be leaving large chunks of rubble from the West Seattle Bridge instead of customary lumps of coal.
“Ho...
Elf on the Shelf Loses Job to Automation
A tenured seasonal employee was unceremoniously laid off today after one local family decided to replace their longtime Elf on the Shelf with Amazon’s Alexa.
“The Henderson family values the contributions that our longtime Elf...
Bruce Harrell Unveils Plan to Create 1,000 New Prison Beds for Homeless
Following up on his campaign promise to create 1,000 new beds for the homeless, today new Seattle Mayor Bruce Harrell unveiled plans to generously expand Downtown Seattle’s dangerously overcrowded King County Jail.
“During my...
