New Study Shows Cherry Trees Produce Up to 8 Million Blossoms, And Every Goddamn One Of Them Will End Up On Your Fucking Subaru
A recent study has shown that cherry trees can produce up to 8 million blossoms and every stupid, goddamn single one of those little...
SPD Flooded with Bereavement Requests Following Trump Indictment
Following the announcement that former President Donald Trump is now indicted on more than 30 counts related to business fraud, the Seattle Police Department...
Local Man Just Really Fucking Hates Kirkland
Friends and family are at a loss today upon discovering that
local man Nate Solohan, without much detailed explanation, just really fucking
hates Kirkland.
“I mean,...
Wile E. Coyote Steps Down as Sound Transit CEO After Giant Clock Falls on Northbound Tunnel
Following a catastrophic incident in which a cartoonishly large clock fell onto Westlake Station’s Northbound tunnel and indefinitely disrupted light rail service, today Sound...
The Needling Again Issues Cease-and-Desist Orders to Sudden Influx of Fake Real Fake News Outlets
We have no idea why this keeps happening every year about this time of year, but today The Needling—Seattle’s ONLY real fake news—is sad...
Mayor Harrell Begs May Day Protesters to Come Back to Downtown
Shocking business leaders and, more importantly, key reelection donors, Seattle Mayor Bruce Harrell made a desperate plea to May Day protestors this morning: Please...
Sound Transit Text Alert Describes Godzilla Attack As ‘Minor Service Delay’
After witnessing a massive lizard monster tear tracks out of the ground and destroy stations with a fiery vengeance today, Sound Transit promptly sent...
State of Washington Gives Up, Will Change Name to Seattle
Tired of explaining that they do not live in the District of Columbia or an amorphous city-state that stretches from the Pacific Ocean to...
‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Author Reveals Book Inspired by Sadomasochistic Relationship with E-Line Bus
In an exclusive interview with The Needling, Fifty Shades of Grey author E.L. James revealed her best-selling series was actually inspired by a brief...
Remote Worker Saving Environment by Stationary Biking to Work
Committing to never harm the environment by driving a car to work again, today local remote employee Jimmy Stills vowed the only way he’s...
