Volunteer Park Squirrels No Longer Content Taking Candy from Babies, Begin Carjackings
This weekend Capitol Hill residents were shocked to discover that the Volunteer Park squirrels—long known for their utter lack of fear and ravenous taste...
White Ally Anxiously Awaits Invite to Juneteenth Cookout
Semi-confident she’s been a good enough white person to finally be invited to the Juneteenth cookout, self-proclaimed ally Allison Wetzel announced today she’s cautiously...
Piroshky Piroshky Owner’s City Council Stump Speech Weirdly Includes 14 Mentions of ‘Flaky Crust’
People were left confused and mostly hungry after listening to Piroshky Piroshky owner Olga Sagan’s latest Seattle City Council candidacy stump speech, which included...
Ann Davison Ends Community Court in Favor of Burning the Accused at the Stake
Hoping to mimic the success of public burnings at deterring crimes like heresy, witchcraft and sodomy, Seattle City Attorney Ann Davison said she thinks...
Washington Lawmakers Scrap Free School Lunches for All, Encourage Children to Forage at Recess
Although Washington state legislators recently scrapped a plan to join California, Colorado, Minnesota, and Maine in offering universal free school lunches to all children,...
Working Class Heroes: This Orca Pod Decided to Literally Eat the Rich
In a stunning show of working-class solidarity, one determined local pod of orcas has taken inspiration from their European yacht-sinking cousins and decided to...
Seattle Drivers Celebrate World Bicycle Day by Offering One-Day Ceasefire on Ballard Bridge
In honor of World Bicycle Day today, Seattle car drivers graciously offered a one-day ceasefire with bicyclists crossing the Ballard Bridge.
“Wow, while I wish...
Mayor Harrell Announces Plan to Relocate Space Needle to His Cousin’s Lawyer’s Sister’s Property on Harbor Island
In a surprise press conference this afternoon, Seattle Mayor Bruce Harrell announced that he will be using an executive order and a couple close...
Mayor Harrell Urges Everyone to Climax at the Same Time During One Seattle Day of Service
In an effort to reach the elusive pinnacle of collective harmony and union he’s promised the city ever since running for office, today Mayor...
New Study Shows Cherry Trees Produce Up to 8 Million Blossoms, And Every Goddamn One Of Them Will End Up On Your Fucking Subaru
A recent study has shown that cherry trees can produce up to 8 million blossoms and every stupid, goddamn single one of those little...
