Local Dad Overdoses on Gifted Smoked Salmon Boxes
What was supposed to be a joyous day of puns and sensible car recommendations took a scary turn as local father Michael Chrisman overdosed on three gifted boxes of smoked salmon.
“When I saw some...
Union Scores Victory Over Confederated Starbucks of America at Battle of Roastery Ridge
Forces of the First Flagship Bean Battalion are still rejoicing today after claiming a Union victory at the Capitol Hill Battle of Roastery Ridge over the Confederate Starbucks of America say they’re looking to...
Local Man Upset About Rainy June Fondly Recalls Home Turning into Literal Oven Last Summer
Staring forlornly at the rain pouring outside his apartment window on a crisp, gray Seattle day, today local man Andy Brady said all he could do is wistfully recall how at this time last...
Seattle Police Announce Plans to Escalate Citywide Sweeps of Sexual Assault Cases Under Nearby Rug
The Seattle Police Department announced today that they need to significantly ramp up sweeping the city’s overwhelming backlog of documented adult sexual assault crimes under a nearby rug in order to prioritize bigger local...
The Original Starbucks Doesn’t Have a Drive-Thru and 5 Other Reasons Cars Belong at Pike Place Market
It’s an age-old Seattle debate: Should our prized Pike Place Market finally become a car-free pedestrian utopia like 80 percent of this city wants it to be? Or should tourists remain able to drive...
Awkward Pedestrian Shuffle Enters Fifth Day
Tensions are rising in Seattle’s Cascade neighborhood as an awkward pedestrian shuffle continues into its fifth day.
The standoff began when paralegal Hector Perez and high school teacher Bradley McCollough became entangled in a side-to-side...
City of Seattle Moves All Bus Stops to Queen Anne to Reduce Crime
After the 3rd and Pine bus stop closure single-handedly ended all signs of crime, drug addiction and homelessness in Downtown Seattle a month ago, the City of Seattle announced today it’s now ready to...
$54M Sound Transit Feasibility Study Concludes West Seattle Giant Hamster Ball and Trebuchet System Not Viable
Coming fast on the heels of a surprising study that revealed a public transit gondola between Downtown Seattle and West Seattle never made financial sense or any sense, Sound Transit says another $54 million...
West Seattle Bridge Finally Enters Pupal Stage, Could Hatch By 2024
After more than two years of anticipation, today the Seattle Department of Transportation announced that the West Seattle Bridge has finally entered its pupal stage and could hatch as soon as 2024.
“Great news! It...
1st Ave. S. Bridge Mocks West Seattleites Who Think They Left from Work Early Enough Today
Well known, biggest dickhead of all the local bridges, 1st Ave. South Drawbridge was recently overheard ridiculing the already downtrodden West Seattleites as they attempted for the 600th day in a row to get...
