Experts Warn of Toxic Algae Ghosting After Giving You Weird Rash
With another warm weekend on tap, experts are cautioning people against having one last summertime fling in local lakes filled with toxic algae that...
Report: Idiot from Seattle Can’t Even Pronounce ‘Puyallup’
State education officials are reeling today following the release of a report indicating one Seattle simpleton could not even pronounce the city name of...
New Seattle Transportation Director from LA Immediately Rebrands I-5 to “The 5”
In his first move since Mayor Bruce Harrell poached him from the City of Los Angeles last week, new director of Seattle Department of...
Dan Price Offering Everyone in America $70k to Forget All About This
In an unprecedented gesture of generosity—the likes of which the capitalist establishment has never seen—local former CEO Dan Price announced today he’s offering every...
Amazon Delivery Drone Swoops Down to Carry Roomba Back to Nest
Amazon’s Prime Day trial run of their new delivery drones this week reportedly still has a few bugs to work out after several of...
Starbucks to Close All Seattle Locations Due to High Rate of Crimes Against Coffee
Citing years of complaints about its high rates of crime against coffee beans, Starbucks announced today that this month they will be closing all...
Mayor Harrell Prepares Expansion of Ballard Locks to Accommodate Jeff Bezos’ Imperial Star Destroyer Yacht
Just days after The Netherlands officially rejected Jeff Bezos’ request to dismantle a historic Rotterdam bridge to make way for one of his superyachts,...
Supreme Court Votes 6-3 to Officially Change Market Name to Pike’s Place
People all over Seattle today were horrified to discover that, hidden amongst last week’s unpopular Supreme Court decisions, was a 6-3 vote that has...
Downtown Seattle Business Area Renamed ‘South Lake Anti-Union’
In an unprecedented yet completely foreseeable effort to revitalize Downtown Seattle and the American economy along with it, today a group of compassionate local...
New Seattle Mask Policy is Vague Sense of Shame No Matter What You Do
As Covid numbers surge once again, today Seattle and King County officials instituted a new local mask policy of feeling a small, nagging sense...
