‘Oooo, Someone’s Having a Campfire!’ Says Seattle Optimist
In a stunningly rare display of local optimism, one excited Seattle resident is wondering who is having a “cozy little campfire” tonight.
“Oh my gosh,...
Mayor Harrell Salutes Homeless Veterans as Unified Care Team Sweeps Them into Tukwila
In his first Veterans Day as mayor of Seattle, today Bruce Harrell thanked and saluted hundreds of local homeless veterans as his newly formed...
Washington State Election Officials Announce Local Races Too Close to Night Night to Call
With the future of the nation’s democracy hanging in the balance, Washington state election officials reported at precisely 8:05 p.m. tonight that today’s Senate...
‘Voting Is Pointless,’ Reports Little Shit Who Doesn’t Know What a Pre-Existing Condition Is
Bravely rejecting mainstream and status quo forms of preserving democracy, today one local 24-year-old little shit who’s never had to worry about a pre-existing...
All Washington Ferries Outfitted with ‘Student Driver’ Stickers
After facing staff shortages and a string of recent ferry crashes, today WSDOT finally announced plans to prevent future collisions caused by inexperienced captains...
Park Rangers Advise Hikers to Ward Off Bears by Loudly Announcing Median Housing Prices
As bears reach their most active foraging season to prepare for winter hibernation, park rangers are advising hikers this fall that the most effective...
Seattle Residents Forced to Seek Refuge Underground as Leaf Blowers Render Surface Uninhabitable
Just when Seattleites thought it was safe to go outside after this month’s Smokepocalypse, weary residents have been forced to seek refuge underground as...
Scientists Make First Contact with Lost Civilization Discovered in West Seattle
Following the long-awaited reopening of the West Seattle Bridge, local scientists were shocked to discover that a lost civilization was thriving in the remote,...
West Seattleite Too Excited About Bridge Re-Opening Blows Own Load Test
Upon hearing SDOT’s confirmation today that the repaired West Seattle Bridge had passed its final load test before re-opening this Sunday, one West Seattleite...
SPD Attempts to Arrest 68,740 People After New ShotSpotter Tech Reports Loud Noises at Lumen Field
A pilot program of Mayor Bruce Harrell’s new ShotSpotter gunshot detection technology ran into a snag this last weekend when the Seattle Police Department...
