Report: Idiot from Seattle Can’t Even Pronounce ‘Puyallup’
State education officials are reeling today following the release of a report indicating one Seattle simpleton could not even pronounce the city name of renowned Pierce County treasure, Puyallup.
Officials say the imbecile likely exposed...
New Seattle Transportation Director from LA Immediately Rebrands I-5 to “The 5”
In his first move since Mayor Bruce Harrell poached him from the City of Los Angeles last week, new director of Seattle Department of Transportation Greg Spotts says all freeway references to “I-5” will...
Dan Price Offering Everyone in America $70k to Forget All About This
In an unprecedented gesture of generosity—the likes of which the capitalist establishment has never seen—local former CEO Dan Price announced today he’s offering every single American a minimum of $70,000 to forget all about...
Amazon Delivery Drone Swoops Down to Carry Roomba Back to Nest
Amazon’s Prime Day trial run of their new delivery drones this week reportedly still has a few bugs to work out after several of them were seen carrying Roombas back to their nest at...
Starbucks to Close All Seattle Locations Due to High Rate of Crimes Against Coffee
Citing years of complaints about its high rates of crime against coffee beans, Starbucks announced today that this month they will be closing all of its Seattle locations.
“Coffee bean arson, milk and syrup drownings,...
Mayor Harrell Prepares Expansion of Ballard Locks to Accommodate Jeff Bezos’ Imperial Star Destroyer Yacht
Just days after The Netherlands officially rejected Jeff Bezos’ request to dismantle a historic Rotterdam bridge to make way for one of his superyachts, Seattle Mayor Bruce Harrell began preparations at the Ballard Locks...
Supreme Court Votes 6-3 to Officially Change Market Name to Pike’s Place
People all over Seattle today were horrified to discover that, hidden amongst last week’s unpopular Supreme Court decisions, was a 6-3 vote that has officially changed the name of Seattle’s famous market to Pike’s...
Downtown Seattle Business Area Renamed ‘South Lake Anti-Union’
In an unprecedented yet completely foreseeable effort to revitalize Downtown Seattle and the American economy along with it, today a group of compassionate local CEOs officially annexed the business district and renamed the neighborhood...
New Seattle Mask Policy is Vague Sense of Shame No Matter What You Do
As Covid numbers surge once again, today Seattle and King County officials instituted a new local mask policy of feeling a small, nagging sense of shame wherever you go and whatever you do.
“I want...
Washington Health Officials Just Gonna Assume Local Monkeypox Outbreak Originated at Gum Wall
Officials from the Washington Health Department held a press conference today to announce that they’re just gonna assume a local outbreak of monkeypox most likely originated at the Gum Wall.
“Honestly, none of us want...
