After rumors that a McDonalds is opening just up the street in the old vacant Rite-Aid building on Broadway, today Dick’s announced it’s prepared to compete against it with an even sticker, hairier ball pit.
“Everyone knows we’ve got the better burgers and fries no one would fake barely taking a bite of and now we’re going to have the most sticky, diseased ball pit in the city too,” said Dick’s CEO Jasmine Donovan. “And you can bet I’m not just dipping the tip of a socked toe in it like some prissy McDonald’s CEO—I’ll be diving in face-first to gargle those balls for all to see.”
Although McDonald’s had no official comment on how they’d compete with the longtime local fast-food favorite on Broadway, one staffer told us how they plan to manage it off the record.
“Well, we’ll see how they manage after we get MAHA leader RFK Jr. here to show how our balls are actually healthy, pro-biotic, vaccination alternatives that are very healthy for children and parents alike,” said the source. “No one throws a birthday pox party like McDonald’s.”
At press time, every gay club on Capitol Hill was reportedly also plotting to not only open even dirtier ball pits but oozier slides and tunnels to play in too.
