As the city watched the Trump administration focus its ire and extrajudicial forces on just about every other liberal bubble in the country, today an insecure Seattle admitted it’s beginning to wonder if he even thinks it has Antifa anymore.
“We just want to know why you’re fucking with everyone except us—do you think we don’t have any Antifa anymore?” said Seattle in a statement. “We know we’re all in this openly abusive relationship with you together, but it just seems like all your attention lately has been on Portland, Chicago, Minnesota, and now some foreign nations that aren’t even part of this polyarchy. We have to confess we’re feeling a little neglected—did our Summer of Love mean nothing to you?”
Although President Trump and Seattle had quite the heated affair in 2020, the city admitted it’s beginning to feel like it’s become nothing but an old cop-car flame.
“You haven’t made up anything about us having a completely made-up terrorist organization that’s taken over part of the city in a while and it feels like you don’t even think we have it anymore,” Seattle continued. “If you’re over the Antifa thing and have more of a wine mom gang thing going on now, we assure you we have that as well—okay, it’s more of a sour beer mom gang but basically the same thing. You’re mostly ignoring us like we’re Alabama or something. When we flooded last month, you didn’t even withhold FEMA support. Honestly, the lack of focused white-hot hatred you used to have for us is just getting downright insulting.”
At press time, a sympathetic Trump promised he would at least punish it for being a sanctuary city with massive federal funding cuts soon.
