To remind his biggest supporters of what he does best a week before the Nov. 4 general election, today incumbent Seattle Mayor Bruce Harrell ordered Seattle Police Department officers to finally sweep the Wheedle off the Needle.
“Since 1974, this worthless, red-nosed, freeloading degenerate has been on the Needle greedily sleeping atop the city’s most iconic landmark—well no more!” said Mayor Harrell as a team of harnessed SPD cops shoved the Wheedle—star of popular children’s book ‘The Wheedle On the Needle’—off the top of the famously spired tower. “Now that’s what I call Space Needle thinking. Have his pillow, blankie, rain clouds and ear muffs destroyed. Save any ID you find for We Heart Seattle’s identity theft racket. Hey, my friend former mayor Ed Murray, you can whistle at minors again!”
Harrell, who is running for a second term as the Emerald City’s mayor, admitted he’d failed to deliver on almost every campaign promise he made before his first term besides one to sweep as many of the homeless off streets as possible.
“Why not go all in on the real reason I got elected in the first place? The fantastical idea with no basis in fact or empathy that if you just bully the homeless enough they’ll go away or die—hip hip hooray!” said Harrell. “Hopefully a week isn’t long enough for voters to realize he’s just going to rotate sleeping in different parts of the city until SPD can figure out how to dump him in Des Moines.”
At press time, SPD had switched to looking for a missing City Attorney Ann Davison after she was last seen telling the giant, furry creature other areas he also needed to stay out of.
