Birdwatchers across the Pacific Northwest grabbed their binoculars and set their eyes on the skies in hopes of catching a glimpse of the migratory groups of white women migrating north for pumpkin spice season.
“I come out to see ‘em fly by every year,” said local birding enthusiast Errol Givens. “Climate change is killing all the other bird species, so it’s always a welcome sight to see all those nice Emilys and Ellens up there in Target V-neck sweater formation.”
Although the annual migration is not without risks—every year an average of 17.4 Beckys and Kayleighs fall victim to plane engines, wind turbines, or skyscraper windows—most who want to start drinking PSLs again as soon as possible claim that the journey remains worth it.
“Is there always a chance I’ll be turned into red confetti by Starbucks CEO Brian Niccol’s own private jet as he makes his daily commute from Southern California to Seattle? Sure—I know a lot of girls that have gone down that way,” said Kelsey Welkin as she landed near the Green Lake Starbucks. “But there’s also always a chance I’ll turn into a spray of red by Tayor Swift’s private jet and how cool would that be? Mostly just hoping to drink a pumpkin spice latte as soon as possible in a place cooler than 80 degrees though.”
At press time, locals were already complaining about how loud and rude the PSL-toting flock of white women were as they left hair extension droppings all over every city park lawn.
