Marine mammal researchers at the University of Washington have determined the likely cause for orcas bringing food to boaters is a primal disgust and concern that some humans are eating Seattle-style hot dogs.
“At first, we were confused—why are these intelligent animals treating us like we didn’t know how to sustain ourselves?” said UW marine scientist Charles Smith. “But, as time went on, we realized what was causing the orcas such distress is finding out humans consume the eldritch and hateful combination of cream cheese and blended meat known as the Seattle Dog.”
How the orcas first came into contact with Seattle’s saddest culinary tradition remains a mystery, but the three remaining staffers at NOAA urge members of the public who may know more to come forward.
“Throwing trash into our local waters is never acceptable,” said acting NOAA Director Judy Dalrymple. “And that goes double for these trash-ass hotdogs—I haven’t seen any wieners that disappointing since I stopped using Tinder.”
At press time, a local pod of transient orcas were reportedly still hopeful they’d convince Seattleites that sea dogs are actually really good.
