Scores of customers waiting forever in line at Dick’s came to the sobering realization today that by the time they finally get their Deluxes it’s now an official fact they could have already literally been to outer space and back if they were a celebrity on an 11-minute Blue Origin spaceflight.
“I’ve been waiting here for 12 minutes—in other words, if I was Katy Perry I could have already not only been to space and back, but seen Jeff Bezos fall face first into a ditch,” said customer Gregory Miller, folding his arms with a deep sigh. “Oh God of course the group in front of me just ordered 10 Dick’s Specials plus fries and drinks—like fuck it’s a ‘Wonderful World’, Katy.”
Meanwhile, Dick’s management is hoping to calm the unrest from the realization about their long lines by encouraging Blue Origin to somehow keep its rockets up longer.
“Isn’t there some rocket-fuel version of Viagra they could pop next time?” said Dick’s President Jasmine Donovan. “It’s been less than a week but customers saying ‘I could be screaming my lungs out cursing the day I met Oprah by now’ is already getting really old.”
At press time, Dick’s was reportedly working on partnering with the space tourism giant on a Blue Origin FastPass line for people who want their entire customer experience to last 11 minutes or less.
