The Seattle Mariners announced plans today to follow up on their popular Hot Dogs from Heaven promotion with a new Hot Dogs from Hell cannon that will be fired directly into fan’s faces.
“We know Mariners fans are frustrated that we missed the playoffs last year and completely sat out free agency, so we thought it’d be fun to see how far we could push them before they finally snapped—and that’s when we came up with the idea for our Hot Dogs From Hell cannon,” said Mariners spokesperson Kevin O’Brien. “So come on down to the ballpark and open wide as our mischievous ‘dog devils’ deliver 100 mph of explosive glizzies fired at close range into your faces’ wiener holes.”
Mariners season ticket holder Colin Gutierrez was reportedly excited with all the new methods of torture the marketing team cooked up for the 2025 season.
“As a season ticket holder I was lucky enough to be invited to the ballpark early to take a dynamite dog to the dome and have my bowels irreparably damaged by the new blue corndogs,” said Gutierrez while being attended to by several EMTs. “Hopefully after a couple more danger dogs I’ll be so concussed that I won’t even remember the Mariners losing despite Logan Gilbert throwing 8 scoreless innings because they struck out 21 times and failed to score a single run.”
The Mariners later announced they would invite one lucky fan to be waterboarded with the Gatorade cooler by the Mariner Moose after each home win.
