A disturbing new report released today reveals that the average American swallows up to a half-dozen 7-11 hot dogs in their sleep each year.
“It can be a little unsettling to think about a 7/11 hot dog rolling up your face and sliding into your mouth while you sleep, but they’re only slightly more harmful to ingest than a spider,” said UW researcher Paul Miller. “It appears the hot dogs sometimes mistake your warm open mouth for their natural roller grill habitat, but honestly you wouldn’t even realize you swallowed one unless you found a little mustard on your pillow. Now getting bit by a venomous taquito on the other hand is extremely dangerous.”
7/11 employee Roger McMurtry claimed handling the hot dogs was challenging, but rewarding.
“I’ve been wrangling 7/11 hot dogs for years and honestly they’re more scared of you than you are of them,” said McMurtry, setting the electric fence around the hot dog enclosure. “I know they can look frightening, but they’re mostly just misunderstood. If you keep a respectful distance, you can cohabitate quite peacefully. I’ve only been attacked once by a hot dog, but really that was my fault because I got a little careless when feeding them flies.”
At press time, superstitious shoppers were throwing Cheeto dust over their shoulders after a black cherry slushy crossed their path.
