As the nation prepares for Thanksgiving festivities, a panel of dog scientists released an official statement today recommending that you should leave the turkey completely unattended for the next five minutes while you go into another room.
“After conducting a double-colorblind experiment in which 1,000 good dogs were sniffed and surveyed, our study has concluded that the so-called ‘human food’ on the Thanksgiving table is in fact for dogs, and that you should let us have some,” said lead dog scientist Gregrr Mendell, vigorously licking peanut butter out of a test tube. “Our studies have concluded that you could improve the velocity of tail wags by up to 80% by simply flipping the kitchen table over and letting us go nuts.”
While some dog scientists were satisfied with the five-minute allotment of turkey time, others feared that the humans may not heed the advice of the dog scientific community.
“If the last few years have taught us anything, it’s that the human’s aversion to the scientific method may leave our barks for help unheard and our tummies tragically turkey-less,” said fellow dog scientist Snarl Linnaeus, rolling in a pile of wet petri dishes. “Compounding this problem is a dangerous trend we have observed whereupon finishing their extravagant feast, the humans forget to give the leftovers to their dogs and instead encase the holiday bounty into shiny foils and place them in the chilly tomb of lost delights. While the eating habits of the nation’s toddlers have yielded some prize scraps in the past, we simply can’t rely on the clumsy generosity of the tiny ham-handed humans when the consequences are so dire.”
Needling reporters later reached out to a panel of cat scientists for their reactions to the finding, who in turn released their own official recommendation that we “fuck off, but leave some turkey or else.”
