One local family was sent running away in a frenzied panic Tuesday night after their cat ‘Mewcifer’ suddenly learned how to hold a knife and began brandishing it menacingly around the house.
“Mewcifer, JD isn’t really in the room with us it’s just TV!” said one of the cat’s owners, Rob Steele, as he tried spray-bottling his way to a remote to turn off the VP presidential debate. “I knew the last debate freaked him out a bit, but I have no idea where he got that or figured out how to open a Gerber switchblade without opposable thumbs. I think we may need to pack up and stay with my brother before he finds the kitchen knives.”
While Mewcifer’s crime spree continued, local scientists revealed that they had reportedly been concerned for years that our feline companions could make an evolutionary leap.
“We’ve always believed that the only thing standing between cats and world domination is their lack of opposable thumbs, so this new capability to hold knives is certainly concerning, probably especially for J.D. Vance,” said biologist Carla Steves, observing the cat slash a car’s tires. “We just hope they don’t figure out how to operate motor vehicles next or we could be looking at roving feline Mad Max gangs terrorizing our neighborhoods.”
At press time, Steele had attempted to keep the cat’s power in check by giving the dog a pair of nunchucks.
