Tragedy struck a Georgetown brewery today as a beloved brewmaster was torn to shreds by a ravenous pack of IPA addicts, fiending for more of the sweet, skunky ambrosia.
The victim was identified as Connor Bigelow, founder of Mutually Assured Drunkstruction Brewery, after authorities found tatters of his signature Pendleton flannel and a single Red Wing boot.
“We tried to warn him, but he just wouldn’t listen,” said Jackson O’Leary, brewmaster for neighboring Primal Concrete Beverage Co. “When you look to harpoon the great green whale, you gotta know there’s a chance you’ll get dragged down to the malty depths below.”
In recent years, local breweries have started scaling down the pours of their powerful Triple IPAs, but it hasn’t stemmed the powerful local enthusiasm for these intoxicating brews.
“I’ve seen some of the local hop-heads swipe growlers or drink the leftovers of a tasting flight, but nothing like this,” said IPA aficionado Phil Murphy, furiously scratching at his long, well-oiled beard. “It was bound to happen, though — Connor had the most powerful IPAs in Georgetown. You wanna see God? Suck down that sweet baby weed killer, the 18% ABV Dorado Dope Triple IPA. Once that smooth skag touches your lips, you’re chasing the hop dragon for the rest of your life.”
Following the tragic incident, KOMO News announced they’ll be airing a new, frenzied special report, “Hops: New Green Menace or Marijuana’s Twisted Sister?”
