After trying for too long to accommodate her growing social media popularity and worldwide fame, Mount Rainier has for the first time stationed a “No Walk-ins” sandwich board at her National Park entrances.
“Honey, look, I tried to keep up with the high foot-traffic, but it was literally wearing me down—my trails and roads were completely eroding beyond a point they could be safely maintained. I hear Rattlesnake Ledge still has plenty of spots available, though, if you want to give them a call,” said Mount Rainier as she blow-dried salty sweat into the hair of the thousands of fortunate hikers who had made reservations back in March to have their tresses styled into tangled, mountain-climbing waves. “Anyone who wants to book time with me can, but if you want a Paradise or Sunrise Corridor treatment during peak hours, you’re gonna have to plan ahead because I’m booked out for months, babe. I’ll let you know if someone cancels, though. Do you want me to add you to my 2,389-person wait list?”
Although the new reservations-only policy angered many who were used to walking into the public park for a quick set of knots in their hair no one will ever be able to get out after hiking Burroughs Mountain, those who planned ahead said they loved it.
“Ugh, who wants to just sit for hours in that waiting room of a long line of cars stalled at the entrance and the parking lots?” said Sarah Winchester. “Let’s just all just do the thing that will drive everyone less crazy and make sure she isn’t trying to handle too many people in a day. Being overbooked is stressful for her staff too—I mean, mountain lions and black bears can only turn so many people’s hair white in a day.”
Mount Rainier reminded faithful fans of hers that those who don’t need anything fancy like a Wonderland Trail and just need a quick trim of a few calories at the end of the day can still come in outside her peak hours for a short trail hike after 3 p.m.
