Environmental win! Climate Pledge Arena has reportedly made good on its namesake today after announcing a new planet-friendly promo for Earth Day offering a $19 beer poured directly into your cupped hands.
“What’s more reusable than your own two hands?” said Climate Pledge Arena spokesperson Bergamot Fenstrom, enjoying a handful of beer. “No one likes paper straws, and the health board didn’t approve our ‘sustainable communal beer trough,’ so we decided to go back to basics to celebrate Earth Day this year. We wouldn’t recommend a handful of coke though—I saw a bunch of videos on TikTok of that stuff dissolving iron nails.”
But while the promo was a hit with climate conscious attendees, some manually-challenged people took issue with the size disparity of their beer serving.
“Oh great, so because I was born with these Donald Trump baby hands now I get 30% less beer than my husband gets? I should at least get to pour the difference into the waterproof pockets of my North Face for later,” said Kate Sheffield, taking a $19 shot of beer out of her miniscule mitts. “But on the bright side, I’ll be able to go home and sleep soundly knowing I did my part to mitigate climate change while Jeff Bezos cleaves a coral reef in half with his new ‘Ocean Fucker 5000’ Mega Yacht.”
At press time, the arena followed up on its pledge by replacing bottled water with a communal garden hose around the back of the arena.
