As locals basked in sunshine utterly surrounded by greenery, flowers, sparkling waters, and unbeatable snow-capped mountain views almost too beautiful together to be true, one visitor from California witnessing Seattle’s alleged secret spring was grabbed by the collar and told in no uncertain terms that they “didn’t see shit.”
“You were never supposed to see any of this and—between you and me—let’s just say you never did,” said a local man as he cracked his knuckles to a Californian standing awestruck in a Dodgers tank, cutoff shorts, and flip flops. “You see that sexy snow cone of a mountain over there? These giant pink pom-poms of cherry blossoms and a literal orca breaching right next to the Seattle waterfront and blowing everyone a kiss? The answer is no you did not. Now, you run along and tell your little friends back in LA that all you did here is confirm we only get 3 days of sunshine a year and the rest of our days are spent crying under a giant gray blanket in the sky that never goes away, you hear?”
Before the Californian headed back to their rental car to drive into Pike Place, the man said he had one more request for them to fulfill if they knew what was good for them.
“Oh, and anotha thing: I know there’s been a lot of talk lately about how Los Angeles has actually gotten more rain this year than Seattle,” said the local man who preferred to not be named. “But that’s a load of fake news if you ask a Seattle Native like me, and it better be to you too if anyone asks you what’s going on here, you know what I’m saying? Now scram!”
At press time, the man had also reportedly threatened to put a hit on any rats here who snitch on him actually being from New Jersey.
